We all have aspects of our lives and personalities we feel are innate. As much as I’ve ever tried to shake either of these things, both Mormonism and music are just a part of who I am.

While these two worlds can coincide peacefully most of the time, I’ve encountered some situations where they can’t. I’ve found myself making a choice between the two at different times in my life. It’s not always about one or the other, it’s more about finding balance between them because honestly, there are times when one tips the scale more than the other.

When I was single, living outside of Utah, and trying to further my music career, I encountered a lot of experiences that went against the standards and values I was taught growing up in the church.

The Word of Wisdom vs. The Real World

I’ll never forget the first time I was in a “green room” and saw drugs – real drugs – for the first time. Drugs were never even a temptation for me growing up as a Mormon in Utah. I know they are available and are a problem here, just like everywhere else, but my friends in Utah didn’t do drugs, and I’d never been in a situation where I had to make that choice.

I felt pressure to “fit in,” but the choice wasn’t hard. I knew I could still be a musician and not do drugs. I always remembered those Young Women lessons when the teacher said, “Make the decision to say “no” now, so you don’t have to try to make the decision in that moment.”

When I played in bars, I was offered drinks all night. A lot of them. It got to the point where people just knew that for me, it was going to be Diet Coke (or Sugar Free Redbull. Don’t judge me!), and I was fine with that. I was asked a lot why I didn’t drink alcohol, and I was prepared to answer – – although the caffeine issue always came up. That’s another blog post, I guess.

Just last week, I was playing for a bunch of plumbers (glamorous, I know), and I was offered some homemade whisky – uh, sounds delicious, but no thanks! Even at 29 years old, I still have to make the choice to say no – I think I just always assumed “peer pressure” ended after your teenage years. Most people want an explanation, which I’m happy to give, but sometimes they just assume it’s because I used to be an alcoholic!

I don’t have to worry about being wasted on stage or making a fool out of myself because I drank too much. I’ve seen a lot of situations turn sour fast because musicians were drunk or high.

Modesty vs. Sex Appeal

I wish I could say this wasn’t a struggle for me, but it was a big one. I got a lot of feedback from many reputable people in the business saying that image was even more important than talent. I needed to be marketable. If I wanted to be marketable, I had to be willing intensify my sex appeal.

I’m not a prude, and I think that feeling sexy is important for a woman. But I just didn’t really want to dress the way they wanted me to or change my image. Growing up, my mom wouldn’t even let me wear sleeveless shirts. Maybe it was extreme, but I was always taught to buy clothes that I could still wear once I was married in the temple. That didn’t mean I always DID, but that’s what I was taught.

I found myself lowering my standards to appeal to those who were telling me to change my image. I really wrestled with it. How badly did I want a “successful” music career? I was fed lies that my desire to “make it” directly correlated with what I was willing to wear on stage.

But I had a goal. I personally wanted to be married in the temple and to continue to go to the temple to receive those blessings. Ultimately, modesty won. I got a lot of flak for “dressing like a Mormon.” It was a small choice, but it was one I had to make.

Touring vs. Staying Home

This was a recent conflict for me. I actually never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom before I had kids. My mom always worked, and I thought I would, too. My attitude changed once I had a kid, though. I like to work a little and be home a lot.

Unfortunately, touring with a band meant being away for days at a time, almost every weekend for months. I had to give up family vacations, I had to find sitters for my son a lot, and I was spending a lot of time away from my family.

When you’re a musician, there are a lot of temptations on the road. Most of us in the band were Mormon, and we could support each other. But the temptations are still there.

I missed a lot of church and ignored my callings because I was on the road so much. Being gone that often affected my relationship with my husband and son. I ultimately decided that being a Mormon mom and a touring musician was just not something that I personally could balance well right now. I quit the touring band and decided to play gigs that were close to home. There aren’t always a lot of places to play in Utah, but it was definitely the right choice for me. I can still play music, but I don’t have to spend days away from my family, and I’m able to go to church every Sunday.

I’ve had opportunities to move to Nashville or L.A., and I thought for a long time that’s where I would end up. Many LDS musicians do, but I was led back to Utah where I met my husband, and this is where I am now.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I weren’t Mormon and how the role music plays in my life would be different. Has being Mormon limited my music career? Is that even a bad thing? I know that I am happy. I’ve made good choices in my life when I could have made choices that might have potentially destroyed it (not just music related choices, either), and those choices were undoubtedly affected by that innate Mormonism inside me.

I think it’s important to chase after our dreams but still maintain the values and standards that make us unique from the rest of the world. Music can always be a part of my life in a lot of ways.

I am grateful for the choices I’ve had to make when it comes to balancing my music and my religion. They’ve helped me understand more about who I really am. When I sit at the piano and play and sing primary songs with my little boy, I am filled with more real happiness than being on stage singing to thousands of people could ever provide me.