How to be a Jack Mormon

Carli June 9, 2012 6

A Jack Mormon is someone who is Mormon, but “trouble.”

They are somewhere in between baptism and excommunication. If they even show up to church, they’re mearely in the door, not on the stand, but also not escorted out. Foyer sitters.

(That’s how I’ve heard the term used anyway.)

In order to be a successful Jack Mormon, you need to incorporate multiple items from the following list into your life:

  • Swear.
  • Church apparel, for men: Wear jeans and any shirt color other than white to church. No tie. Tennis shoes.
  • Church apparel, for women: Wear a sleeveless top and a mini skirt. Never wear panty hose. Wear flip flops in the summer and hooker heels in the winter.
  • Church apparel, for all: Wear sunglasses.
  • Get a tattoo in a well-seen location.
  • Both men and women should have multiple piercings.
  • Men: Grow your hair long, past your earlobes.
  • Dye your hair an unnatural color, such as blue, purple, pink or green.
  • Bring iced tea, caffeinated soda or rum cake to the potluck.
  • Quote R-rated movies, in church if you get the chance.
  • Let your phone ring and ring and ring in Sacrament meeting. Answer it from the pew.
  • Bring a cup of coffee to Seminary or early church meetings.
  • Pop open a can of Pringles on Fast Sunday.
  • Eat McDonalds in the parking lot before church. Throw the trash away in the can outside of the chapel.
  • Attend church high or hung over.
  • Let your kids play video games at church.
  • Host a poker night, preferably on the Sabbath.
  • Clap after the intermediary musical number.
  • Cross-dress for the Halloween Trunk-or-Treat.
  • Never address other members as brother or sister.

 

Are Jack Mormons a misunderstood part of Mormon culture? Or are Jack Mormons simply misinformed about what’s appropriate in Mormon culture?

 

Have you or someone you know been successful in becoming a full-fledged Jack Mormon? Then please, share your secrets to success.

(Yes. Please share, so that we may all, hopefully, vow never to do those things. Amen.)

6 Comments »

  1. the emily June 11, 2012 at 8:04 pm - Reply

    You forgot to add confessing any and all sins at the pulpit on fast Sunday! :)

  2. Lilly June 16, 2012 at 8:32 am - Reply

    Ooooh, sunglasses and hair covering your ears! Evil I tells ya!

  3. Josh June 18, 2012 at 9:56 am - Reply

    These people need to be asked to leave and enjoy there sunday elsewhere. What are they trying to prove? that they can be mormon and not keep the commandments?

    • Shiloh July 27, 2012 at 6:20 pm - Reply

      No, they need to be there more because of their behavior! Church is not a museum of perfect people!

  4. Mormon Media Reviews August 16, 2012 at 8:25 pm - Reply

    Make no attempt to remove the smell of the cigarette you just sucked down right before you walked in the door.

    Ask to see the Bishop after sacrament so you can get church welfare. Then walk out the door to buy more cigs once you get paid.

  5. Swan Ukiyo October 31, 2012 at 9:13 am - Reply

    This just sounds like a bunch of people with bad manners. Isn’t a Jack-Mormon just a Mormon that doesn’t go to church? I think you left out the most important characterization from your list. You could probably also add something about women who work outside the home, homeless people, those who’ve fallen on difficult times, or others who are somehow not holy enough to attend church correctly. Don’t forgive other people for their shortcomings, judge them for it! That’s totally funny and Christian and stuff! It’s so fun to be perfect! You can judge and laugh at everyone else! Yay!

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