I got a wink.
I’m sitting here looking at my computer screen, an animated smiley face winks at me from my dating service inbox. The perpetual closing and opening of its beady little eye is beginning to creep me out.
BUT still, I got a wink! From StarryNight53, none the less. Who is StarryNight53, you ask. I have no clue, but this is online dating and that’s what it’s all about; trusting that StarryNight53 is a beautiful single woman and not the serial killer chick off some Lifetime movie.
So how did I get to this grand moment in my life? Let’s back track a bit to how said ‘wink’ came about…
My life was lacking in the ‘love’ department. Due to a difficult work schedule, my forced graduation from the singles ward, and a late night Walmart incident involving a woman and melting M&Ms, I realized in order to find the right girl, I needed to expand my opportunities…and online dating was the final frontier.
Couldn’t be that bad, right? I mean Tom Hanks found love when he ‘got mail’, the son of Flynn found love on his computer (well, technically in the computer), and let’s not forgot Wall-E who fell in love with what was basically an iPod.
The truth is, I think I’m screwed. I can’t even get Sirius to fall in love with me.
“I think I love you Sirius.”
“That’s nice.”
After spending an exhausting couple of hours setting up an online dating profile, I came to two realizations:
- With some creative rights, I am a digital George Clooney.
- I have no photos of myself.
Now depending on who you are, number two may or may not be a problem.
Desperate to plaster my physique all over the internet, I went to work scanning dating sites and gathering what I believed to be the most ‘popular’ types of photos. These included the most popular poses, places, and styles of portraits out there. And for your enjoyment (and my suffering), here they are:
The Look-I’m-In-My-Car-Photo: Not sure what the point of this type of photo is, but every profile has one. Is it to say ‘I’m financially stable. Here’s proof: a picture in my car’? How do I know it’s YOUR car? You know what this tells me? Look Ma, I’m driving with no hands!
* * *
The See-I-Workout-Photo (shirt still on edition): Really? Why is it that every guy on the ‘internet dating scene’ has to have some shameless topless photo of him bulging his muscles for all to see? Oh, and then there’s always a hat of some sort. The reason for that eludes me all together. So, to follow the code of the internet…here’s my shameless bulging muscle photo…with shirt on (this is a kid friendly site after all).
* * *
The Sexy-Dreamy-Photo: I have nothing to say about this photo, except you have no idea how long it took me to get it right. *sigh* I hope you appreciate the things I do for this blog.
* * *
The This-Is-How-I-Use-To-Look-Photo: Who cares what you use to look like? This is all about you NOW. That goes for you 40+ who think it’s okay to post your old college photos. The look on my face when I arrived to meet you (college photo in mind) was not one of pleasant surprise. Although, judging by my photo above (top middle)…you might be pleasantly surprised to see me now. Please, fresh new photos. Thank you.
* * *
The Serial-Killer-Photo: This is the one photo you should NEVER have posted. I don’t care what the background story is (this one was just before a Halloween event), you don’t come out on top with these creepy photos. Please review and delete your photos before posting. No, really, go do it now!
* * *
The Awkward-Family-Photo: Please…just stop posting them. There’s a whole website devoted to them. We don’t need more! Thank you.
* * *
…and finally…
The Wait-A-Minute-Is-That-Your-Ex-In-That-Photo-Photo: Come on! REALLY?! There is no way to cut someone out of a photo and make it look like a natural portrait of you. There isn’t, trust me. Stop doing it! It’s weird.
…and after all of that, I still received a flirtatious wink. (I worry about StarryNight53’s desperation)
I decide to take the risk of becoming another Dateline murder mystery and wink back.
😉
A window pops up blocking my digital flirt.
What? I have to pay an additional $29.99 a month for freaking winking privileges? WINKING PRIVILEGES?!
I slam my iPad flap down.
Sorry StarryNight53, I bet you were a wonderful woman (nope, further profile investigation revealed StarryNight to be a cougar on the prowl). We shall never meet.
For a guy who once believed in serendipitous moments, I’m starting to lose faith. Perhaps there just isn’t any love out there for a Token Single Guy in Utah….
To be continued?
-The Token Single Guy