Let me tell ya, there’s nothing like sitting out on a warm summer day with a cool refreshing Bud Light in my hand. The cold sweat of the bottle running over my fingers. Cool aluminum brushing my lips as a frigid rush of beer runs over my tongue. The distinct flavor of…ew, what is that…urine? *blech*
I’m sitting there holding my bottle of beer confused.
Okay, okay. So it’s a bottle of de-alcoholized beer, but it tastes exactly like the real thing. I’m at Busch Gardens Williamsburg, VA (owned by Anheuser-Busch, hence all the beer) and I am going through ‘why beer isn’t all that great 101′.
The non-alcoholic beer in my hand was just because I could. It was in the non-drinkers section and was my kind of fun idea to be rebellious but not really. I regret the idea and the $4.00 I spent. This stuff tastes awful. So bad you would have to be drunk to enjoy it. Oh, now I’m starting to understand. Like women in strip clubs. They’re not that beautiful, but if your drunk… Certain sports aren’t all that exciting, but get a little drunk… So apparently we get drunk to enjoy the things in life a sane man wouldn’t really enjoy. Interesting.
Back to my bottle.
My wife is rolling her eyes and mocking my disgust. Her face is clearly a mix of, I love you, but you’re a dork, and I told you so
Refusing to swallow my pride, I swallow more ‘fake’ beer instead. After gagging, I decide pride probably tastes a lot better and toss the bottle.
Beer isn’t all that great.
For those of you who do drink it, I know what you’re thinking, You’re not enjoying it because all your gettin’ is the flavor and none of the fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well let me tell you some of the fun I noticed other people having.
One of my favorites was a family of five I noticed in the park. A mom, dad, and three boys. They were accompanied by another couple. Throughout the day I kept seeing them. Their boys were cute and the dad was really kind to them and patient. In a park full of grown-up rides, he spent a lot of time with his children doing their favorite things. A good man
Then the night festivities began to start and out came the beer. The next time I saw him, he was a very different man. He was loud, obnoxious (making blatantly loud and rude comments about other people), and saddest of all…impatient towards his kids; even so far as teasing to give them a sip from his slick looking beer bottle.
Now some people will say, “Well that man has an obvious problem. Most drinkers don’t get like that”. To that I patiently tell you bullspit! I was surrounded by a sea of beer drinking crowds. Young, old, alcoholics, non-alcoholics, and every single one of them had turned into a loud, obnoxious, swaying, smelly human being.
Now if you want to drink, I won’t judge you. No Hell bound condemnations from me. We all do stupid things in this life (like try de-alcoholized beer for example) so who am I to judge the ‘badness’ of another persons decisions.
BUT don’t you dare try to convince me that drinking beer is so great. First of all it tastes like (enter derogatory description of your choice here). Then it makes even the smartest refined human being into a loud, smelly, bumbling idiot.
The biggest excuse I heard for drinking beer was ‘it helps me relax’. Yes it does, if relaxing means forgetting your manners, your hygiene, and social protocol…oh and dropping a few numbers on the I.Q. chart while you’re at it.
Yeah, yeah, I know you can handle your beer. I bet 5 minutes on my video camera then on YouTube would change your mind.
In closing I would like to set aside the fact I’m mormon, throw away any preconceived notions about drinking, and would like you to answer one question for me…
What makes beer drinking so great?
-The Token Single Guy (well, for now)