Is it just me or do Mormons have a thing for Halloween? I’ve heard people from out of state remark that we are pretty out of control, in a good way, when it comes to Halloween. We have haunted houses every other block, we buy candy like it is…candy, we go nuts with our homemaking costumes/decorations, and there are sincere pumpkin patches as far as the eye can see. I don’t know why we like Halloween so much. My hunch is we are so straight-laced and upright 364 days a year that Halloween is the one night we feel we can ‘legally’ let our hair down. Plus, Halloween is the most social of the holidays and I heard a rumor Mormons are kind of social.
Personally, I do think Halloween is the best holiday of the year. I’ve gone on record saying so here. It’s the Chuck Norris of holidays (Halloween can slam a revolving door; Halloween once counted to infinity…twice; tornadoes don’t exist, Halloween just hates trailer parks, etc.) I’m such a sucker for Halloween that I put out all my decorations on Labor Day. I don’t care if the neighbors laugh at me. I know the score.
I loved Halloween before I was even born. I’m pretty sure I dressed up as Harry Callahan for Halloween during my mom’s third trimester. When I was old enough for trick-or-treating I was introduced to the ways of the world and I loved it. I could go out and earn my candy like a man instead of sitting around on the dole during Christmas, relying on the imaginary beneficence of some red-suited fatty. How demeaning.
As great as Utah is for Halloween, I’ve noticed a cultural creep taking place that could rock the very foundations of the holiday. This invidious practice started small but is unfortunately gaining traction. What is it you ask? What poses a threat that, if left unchecked, will fundamentally transform Halloween? Three words: trunk-or-treating.
Imagine if your mom came to you on December first and said that this Christmas there was going to be no snow, no decorations, no tree, no wrapping paper or bows. Further, she explains that Christmas morning you will follow her out to the car parked in the street, whereupon you will be handed an unwrapped present from the dirty trunk. Merry Christmas!
This, my friends, is trunk-or-treating. Sounds great doesn’t it? For the life of me I don’t know how this Jar Jar Binks of an idea even got off the launching pad. The nano-second someone even attempted to float this turd they should have been laughed out of the padded room. How much do I dislike trunk-or-treating? I would rather be strapped into a chair with my eyes toothpicked open while all seven seasons of the Golden Girls ran on a continuous loop. I would rather get a vasectomy on Halloween, jog home, throw on some Crocs and a mullet wig, head out into the rain to trick-or-treat for six hours, and get nothing but raisins and toothbrushes from busybody health nuts self-righteous dentists. I would rather…well, you get the idea.
I’m sorry for the rant but I need your help. Please stand with me to stop the spread of this treacherous secret combination. The next time someone in your ward or neighborhood suggests that this would be a fun idea, just say no. Nothing good can come from trunk-or-treating and we owe it to our kids to stop this nonsense.