I lived the majority of my life in fear about marriage. Not in common rational fears like “Will we be able to get along for the rest of our lives” but instead stood petrified before the altar with such questions as “What happens if we get married and the next day I find out that she has cancer and is going to die.”
Recently in the news there was an article that posed a question that I have been thinking over and over:
“All things being equal, would you divorce your spouse if he or she suddenly stopped (or started) believing in God?”
Nothing has changed other than the fact/belief that they can no longer take you to the celestial kingdom, be with you in Christ or stand with you in godless reason. (Read Complete Story)
This question has made me stop and think. What would I do? I plan to now speculate as to what I would do…though I would probably never truly know until it ACTUALLY happened to me. (I don’t really want to find out sweetheart 😉
First of all let me say that I love my wife and am thankful that God led me to find her. I know that he literally played a part in helping us find one another and be together. She was there for me when I wasn’t a member of the Church and also when I was rebaptized and has stuck by me as I work toward full fellowship. She has never told me that I had to do it or she would leave me or anything along those lines. She has just been loving and supportive.
Which makes MY part of the equation that much more difficult. I think that as I sit and think of the many tremendous blessings I have received from being married to my wife. I think that if she came home and said I no longer believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints and have no desire to be a member of the church, I think I would be devastated. I wouldn’t know what to do. I have never been one to walk away from something…but this would be the ULTIMATE test for me.
The gospel is so much of what I know and want for myself that to not share that similar expectation of that end of life goal with my partner seems insurmountable.
Does that make me a bad person? Am I being a hypocrite?
So I pose the same question to:
Would you divorce your spouse if he or she suddenly stopped believing in God?
~Richie
There is SO much I could say on this issue, as it is what I live with. I certainly did not leave my spouse but his disbelief contaminated my belief because I wasn’t as strong as I should have been. Life seems easier when both are believers, or non-believers; it is amazing how much faith in God plays a role in a relationship. I have had to come to terms with what I truly believe in and love him no matter what he believes in (I didn’t marry him just because he was Mormon after all) and for who he is, church aside.
I think that I wouldn`t be able to leave my husband. I love him. He is the best father and best husband. Completely accepting and respectful of me and I, like you Richie, believe that God lead me to him. He would still be the same person, the same child of God.
Also, having family that has completely rejected the gospel gives me insight. My mom and dad went through this. They were taking discussions just to make fun and one day the spirit testified to them and my mom was immediately converted and my dad got angry. They have lived with this difference ever since.
After my mom was baptised, they had five children. Two went on missions and three of us are still active. The two that aren`t are struggling with issues but are still my family. I still love them. Sometimes my family are very sad about these family members who do not accept the gospel as we do, but we still have hope for them.
I love that the gospel gives us hope that children raised in the light who turn away, will always come back and that all things will be made up in Christ. There is always hope and I don`t think I could throw away this great person and relationship over something like that.
I like this question, it’s something I’ve been thinking about myself. I am currently dating a man who is in the same situation it sounds like you were in when you met your wife. Like you, his intent is to be re-baptized and for us to be sealed in the temple one day. However, it would be foolish of me to take his intent as a promise when we marry. I love and accept him just as he is, and while I hope that we can be united eternally, I understand that he still has many choices yet to make and there are no guarantees. He is a good man; most importantly, I know he will support me and not impede my spiritual progress. So, how do I find resolve? For me, the answer is much like the answer to what we know about polygamy hereafter; the idea sends shivers down my spine! I can’t imagine accepting this, much less being happy forever about it. But, one thing gives me comfort- our Father is a God of love, mercy, and joy. He has promised that we WILL be eternally happy if we live and do as He has asked. Salvation IS a personal thing, we can only get ourselves there. We can help and lift others, but never carry them home. As much as I love this man, I know that if I make it back to the presence of my Father, I will be happy. I was married once before so I know first hand that it is possible to love again, even though you were CERTAIN you could never love someone as much as the one you were with. Richie, I would challenge you to increase your faith in this matter. How the adversary would delight in killing two birds with one stone! While I agree that your lovely wife is not in danger of apostasy, understanding and accepting the principle will ultimately make you stronger.
I posted this comment on the episode post before you posted this blog so I’m reposting the comment here so it can be part of the convo. I think 1 Cor. 7:12-16 speaks specifically to this: “But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?”
I think, too, that God clearly has a high view of marriage and holiness (both his and ours) and our culture does everything to tear that down. What better testimony and example of righteous, unconditional love, and mirroring God’s character to a watching world than staying in the marriage? Obviously if there is any abuse or abandonment that is a different story but I think you get my drift. Again, thanks for the podcast and have the best day ever!
In a church that preaches the sanctity of families above everything else, there should be no question.
Right on! “Family … Isn’t about Time?”
All other things equal, leaving a spouse because of disbelief/inactivity in the church seems as contrary to gospel precepts as anything I can think of.
Now, if my wife picked up smoking, got hungover regularly, slept around, used illicit drugs, stopped being loving/friendly/fun/etc, that’s a different story. But none of those latter characteristics have anything to do per se with belief or religious activity.
Richie, this would not be your ultimate test. I’ve left the church during the same time I had real life tests — parent dying of cancer, one of my kids going through heart surgery, among other challenges. Initially, my believing wife took the loss of faith hard, but she stood by me — and our marriage (eternal or not) is stronger than ever. Finally, we should take our advice from the hippie preacher who hung out with whores … even Jesus Christ. We do not reject each other over religion. Ramen.
Wow what a great blog and responses!
I’ve recently had a trial of faith– something I thought would never happen in a million years. Instead of freaking out, my husband was really patient, listened, offered his thoughts, and supported me as I worked through it. If I felt pressure or guilt or fear he’d leave me, it would have been 100 times worse.
I agree if the loss of faith produced negative behaviors that might be something else, but even then there are faithful people who still love their spouses who drink, smoke, or struggle with addiction. “To love another person is to see the face of God”– and true, deep, love can weather many storms.