After writing my last post for The Cultural Hall Podcast, a bigger issue came to light than that of which I was writing: Why are grown single adults of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often treated as if they are adolescents? As one of our readers commented, there is “…the state of arrested development that LDS singles often live in. We age, beholden to the same rules and expectations placed on us at age 12, without the benefit of the doubt that we actually matured beyond age 12.”
I’ve noticed the ailments this phenomenon has caused me over the past few years without quite realizing the root of the symptoms. We are treated, not to sound harsh, as this diseased population with the constant questioning of, “What is the cure?”
One of my best friends, in tears, shared with me a story of how she has been contacted by two new singles ward bishops from neighboring states. She is viewed in her network of friends and family as the token single girl. Keep in mind, this girl would love nothing more than to have a family with a gaggle of children for whom to care. The bishops wanted to learn more about their congregations and asked her questions like, “Why are you still single? Do you feel there is something wrong with you? What’s wrong with the men? How do we fix this? What can we do to keep this from happening to other people?” After those questions, she was told, “I’m so impressed with you – you are put together, own your home, have a great career, and are in extra-curricular activities that keep your life constantly busy. How do you do it?” My question is, “What else was she supposed to do?!” Being single is not a disease, there is no immunization. Live life to its fullest no matter what your position in life!
At the age of 29, I was given a little golden card with ten rules to put in my wallet. Those very rules were the exact same that I was handed my first week as a 17-year old BYU freshmen:
- Do not be alone in a room with a member of the opposite gender
- No sitting in a parked car for an extended period of time
- Both feet on the floor at all times when near a member of the opposite gender
- Never be with someone of the opposite gender after midnight
- Don’t touch a boy, or you’ll get pregnant out of wedlock.
Okay, I’m kidding on that last one, but I felt the rules were that preposterous for those who have matured well past the age of new-found freedom from no longer being under the jurisdiction of Mom and Dad. I whispered to my other friends nearing the 30-mark, “Is this serious? Am I supposed to never allow men in my home (I live alone)?” We all shrugged and laughed it off. We joked that the little golden card would never allow me to go on a date at all because no man would be permitted to pick me up at my condo because that would be “alone.”
There is a perception amongst some (not all) married sets that “single” = “immature or irresponsible.” Adults reach many ages of accountability:
- 18: Vote, Legally considered an adult
- 21: Drink, gamble (if you are the drinking/gambling type), book your own hotel room
- 25: Rent a car
Society as a whole acknowledges that we become more mature, responsible decision-makers at certain ages. Why, then, am I hearing the same morality talks given to me as a 17-year old? I am capable of having my own Condo, zero debt, and a successful career. Yet, I am not capable of controlling myself enough to not make babies if I’m alone with a man. Naturally.
I have to be fair, this problem has decreased greatly since I left the YSA (Young Single Adult ward, ages 18-30) to become an inhabitant of the “Island of Misfit Toys,” or, as some like to call it, the “Single Adult Ward.” Many have heard legend of the unicorns that roam freely in these parts – the unmarried, faithful, virginal creatures over the age of 31. I know, I know, the stuff of legends, I tell ya.
The Church has an ever-expanding waistband on its mid-single abdomen, that they, as of yet, have no clue how to handle.
Prior to my move to The Island, I heard many strange tales that all equate to one statement: All of the Misfit Toys are damaged goods who are single for a reason and you should only go to The Island to watch the freak show.
Young single adult ward and married couples, this is absolutely not true. Most of the single adult ward members are about as well-adjusted individuals as you can find! We’ll never have to worry about “living on love alone” because we’ve already got our futures and financials set. Yes, some folks are there because of exiting troubled marriages, they are not yet able to grasp what will make them most aesthetically appealing to the opposite gender, or they want to be. But me and most of the ward members? I had simply not found the right man to marry. We all become more set in our ways as we age, but having structure and patterns to life is healthy, not a sign of some incurable selfishness. I would choose infinitesimally to be happy single than unhappy in a mismatch. I’ve been in love a handful of times, yet things fell apart for one reason or another. I’m ecstatic to say that all but one of those men are currently quite happily married. And I’m ecstatic to say that I’m currently entirely in love, as if you all didn’t already know that.
Recently, my single adult mega-ward of 650 was told, if rumor serves correct, we needed to leave the building where we had been holding services. How do you find a building large enough to accommodate those masses? One phenomenal young lady took on the task and found a workable location. There are still far from enough parking spots, you still have to arrive early or face the long hike to the building, you still have to fight for a seat and then cleave unto the hips of strangers, our meeting time is almost 2pm, and we still have six, yes six, Relief Societies. Sometimes I feel like one measly, anonymous fish in a sea of faces being tossed to and fro with the waves.
You often hear the “conspiracy theorists” talking about how the Church doesn’t know what to do with us so they shove us to the side or hope we weed ourselves out if they make things difficult enough for us or how we are viewed as the illegitimate child. I do not participate in those conversations, as I do not believe they are constructive.
People are afraid of the unknown. Never before has the Church known a single adult population such as this.
Is being single breaking a commandment? Are we purposefully defying what we’ve been told to do? Is the Church doing something wrong and leaving us all out on a limb? No, No, and NO. With each new societal change, the Church learns to adapt. We are simply in the midst of a learning curve.
The brethren will soon figure out how to best accommodate this blossoming population. I know the way to resolve our fears and discontent is to hang in there with faith and willingness to help. I think most of us simply wish there was some communication from the powers that be regarding a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel…that we are not forgotten as the lost boys and girls of the Church. Even the lesson manuals are directed either at adolescents or married couples raising families…no specifics for us in-betweenies.
Not to mention our poor bishopric. How overwhelming it must be for them to feel they have to get to know 650 individuals personally! How overwhelming for us to sit there and realize that personal attention is in all probability not a realistic expectation. Do you know how crazy it is to try to find someone to whom to hand your tithing? Our ward does have six sets of “couple counselors” to help ease this burden. And let me tell you, they are fantastic. We had an amazing event over Saint Patrick’s Day weekend where every leader in our ward went out of their way to meet each face and one remembered enough to find us on Facebook the next day. After four months in the ward, I was extended a calling without having to beg for one. Maybe “overwhelmed” is a better word than “lost” to describe what it feels like in the ward.
The fact of the matter is, people are getting married later in the life. Many studies support this and try to determine what has changed. No matter the results, things have changed and the Church will accommodate as soon as the best decision is reached. I’m optimistic and faithful, yet I still sometimes succumb to this feeling as if I’m in limbo.
Until then, this is your brief tasting of life on the Island of Misfit Toys. Or as I prefer to call it, my ward.
Would it be a good idea to no longer have singles wards? Maybe they just add to the problem of being set apart and treated differently. Attend the ward where you live no matter what your age or situation and serve and participate. What do you think?
Aaron, I actually think that would be a great idea. In areas of the country like Ohio, where I grew up, the singles are so few and far between that if you want to meet anyone, a singles ward is necessary. BUT, out here, where singles are abundant, I think it may take away that “separate but equal” kind of feeling. We’ll see what happens! I’m ready and willing no matter what!
Thank you for your article Larissa! I think you captured the spirit of how I also feel being an over 30, unmarried, faithful member of the church. I have chosen to attend a family ward as opposed to the Adult Singles Ward and I am very happy. I do not feel left out in any way and have been completely embraced and loved by my ward. To be single is not an affliction to be cured and I go out of my way to not be the “token” single person. I have a great life and I am having a great time with the abundant opportunities I have to grow as a person and to serve others. When I get married then my happiness with continue and my husband will just get to join in the fun and bring his happiness and opportunities for great things, and we will do them together. Until then I will continue to be the best that I can be and enjoy my life, my amazing friend and family relationships, and all the great experiences I am having and will continue to have.
Reading this is very interesting to me. I married at 20 so I don’t have any experience as a single adult. My sister though is exeperiencing something similar. She is 31, divorced and has a daughter. She finds that there is a great difference in teh never marrieds and the divorcees. She doesn’t want to do the activities the never marrieds do, things like that.
About that card…I can see why they still give that out though. I don’t think they see you as a 12 year old but I definitely think that it is a good reminder to those who are finding it harder to wait and harder to remember…
Sorry Emily I tried not to reply to this but I thought your comment was so ridiculous that I had to reply. Saying that as you get older the more you need the card just the opposite of this blog post.
Brian,
How is the church reminding people of things ridiculous? Would you rather the church not remind people of the dangers of pornography, or drugs or alcohol or this or that. “Oh wait your an adult. You should already know this so I am not going to remind you” Can you imagine those words coming out of a bishops or a prophets mouths? It is their jobs to remind us! So yes, I think them handing out gold cards to remind the singles in our church is a very important and necessary!! They are not treating the singles like adolescents!
I think I am tired of hearing 2 things about the singles ward 1. They aren’t doing enough. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????? The singles wards do more activities and fellowshipping then any family ward!! I wish my family ward did all the fun things the singles ward does!! I think they do amazing with what they have. The gamat of different singles in the wards makes it nearly impossible to make everyone from the fresh out of high school single to the divorced with children single feel the same. 2. DO you really feel that the church itself is trying to make you feel less because you aren’t married?? Really?? I’ve never heard that message the 3 years I was in the singles ward. I don’t hear it preached from the pulpit. Sure I hear them saying that marriage is important but that is doctrinal not cultural!! And we all know that even if it doesn’t happen in this life that it will.
Singles aren’t misfit toys. If you feel that way I think maybe because you are making yourself feel such.
Ok. Sorry for my little rant.
Hey, that was my comment in the 1st paragraph! 😀
I turn 40 this summer, and I live in the Midwest so no separate ward for me. But I’m actually okay with that. It took me a couple of tries, but I finally found a ward that fits me really well, and the only days I feel like a misfit there are the days I allow myself to feel that way (everyone has bad days, y’know?).
I, too, hope to see at least an acknowledgment that there’s a growing single population. And as part of that acknowledgment, I hope the judgment of why people aren’t married dissipates. At my age, the questions have stopped (which is also kind of a signal that ward members have given up hope for me), but in my late 20s-early 30s, it was painful.
When my dad was Stake Executive Secretary 10 years ago, and I was bemoaning the lack of single men in our stake, he told me that “on record” we actually had over a hundred single men my age. They just had quit going to church. I don’t for a second blame them…I feel the men are judged way harsher than the women. I’m just pitied. The men are blamed. I’d probably quit going too.
I totally agree. I think the church should acknowledge the growing number of singles. By doing so, I think they should study the effectiveness of singles wards as a tool for LDS singles to meet and court and marry. I think there should be classes that teach people how to court, because I think, like conversation, it’s becoming a lost art. From what I’ve seen as an adult, I think too many people are either marrying too fast, or sticking to the “friend zone” for years, and losing sight of that happy middle that creates a strong marriage. But I can only go off my own experiences, and I don’t know jack about relationships other than my own 15 year marriage. I think the church should take a long hard–and inspired–look at singles wards and consider either dissolving them, or making them into places where singles can effectively take that next divine step of adulthood.
To “settle down” means to settle. Settling for a husband or wife that is not perfect. I really think the Church plays into creating the idea of an ideal partner, and then reality ends up a disappointment for many. Time to tear up your lists of you “perfect mate”, and start with realistic expectations. I’ve known so many people that have a list of requirements for their perfect person (ie: plays piano) Give me a break.
The only place I’ve seen those “perfect lists” exist in Young Women’s lessons. Of all the very fine, YSA and MSA I’ve met not one has a “list” that could be construed as unreasonable. Usually things like “loves God,” “obeys the commandments,” “attends church meetings faithfully,” “strives to better the world,” “employed in something s/he enjoys,” “supports my own endeavors and pursuits,” “uplifts others.” Nothing as inane as salary incomes, particular skills, or cosmetic features.
I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like I was being treated like a 12 year old. I don’t have a curfew, I can plan my own vacations, even cook my own dinner when I feel like cooking.
I did get the gold card mentioned above and I just didn’t worry too much about it. Not that I’m out there getting crazy with the ladies, but I appreciate church leaders wanting to help people to keep the sacred covenants they’ve made. If the err on the side of being overly prescriptive, I’m not going to get all bent out of shape about it.
Wonderful blog, Larissa! I really appreciated the insight into the current situation for singles in the Church. My favorite line “The Church has an ever-expanding waistband on its mid-single abdomen, that they, as of yet, have no clue how to handle.”
Such an apt metaphor as it feels like it’s crept up on the Church unawares and they just keep hoping it will go away on its own.
You are absolutely right being single is not a disease, and (for the vast majority) not anyone’s fault. I think all Church members should read this post, especially those of us who are married, so we can be more sensitive and thoughtful in how we treat our single brothers and sisters.
Like Aaron, I wonder about dissolving the Single Adult wards and having singles go to their family wards. I can’t imagine that throwing 650 people together has a higher chance of them finding potential matches. If you go to your neighborhood ward, at least the singles you meet there have some things in common already. I don’t know….
And I agree also that giving the golden rule card was ridiculous! Cheers, L.
Here is a solution to the single adult problem in the church: get rid of the age limits on YSA wards and make these wards and its social element available to adults of all ages. Problem solved.
The card does sound really silly. How exactly does one get to know someone of the opposite gender well enough to fall in love without breaking at least one of those rules? It is probably an easy way to help a wide variety of people to stay safe in a situation where there is a lot of potential risk. It would be better summed up with “don’t be reckless”. As to your last post which was defending your sharing a room with a man you are not related to, I do think that was reckless. There was a lot of potential risk in that situation for both of you. Just saying.