Do not come visit me. Do not call.
There really is a list of people in my ward who have specifically asked NOT to receive home and visiting teaching. The list is somewhat surprisingly long. I have been asked, at times, to visit some of these ladies.
Richie T has said on The Cultural Hall podcast that his dream calling would be to have the assignment of home teaching families who have said they want nothing to do with the church. He has personal reasons for lusting after this calling, which I will not presume.
I have heard miraculous stories about dedicated home or visiting teachers making a huge difference. They visit every month, even when the person they’re assigned doesn’t want them there. They stick with it for years. Eventually, something happens, the home teacher is there at a critical moment, and the person starts coming back to church again.
I believe in miracles. I believe in service and love. I believe in charity.
But…
Visiting teaching someone who absolutely does not want you there, who has asked you not to come and who wants nothing to do with the religion you know is true, is miserable.
It is hard. It takes creativity and extreme delicacy. It takes genuine love and friendship. It takes patience and more patience.
Having that assignment is not fun. I have no idea why Richie would want it. I think he’s crazy.
(Another) But…
I would still do it again if asked. I would do it because I know the Gospel is true, our Church is true. I know it. And I’m prepared to live it.
Please note: I do not currently visit teach anyone from the “do not call list,” nor have I for quite some time.
~Carli
A year ago I had my name removed from the records. I had tried to just be ‘inactive’ in my ward, but I kept getting visits and worse they kept pestering my kids. And while all these well meaning people think its true. I feel just as strongly that it is not. So I took the step to have our records removed. I left the church, but guess what IT won’t leave me alone. I would love to have a relationship white many of my old ward members, but inevitably it leads to questions ( which I don’t mind) but they also then always want to invite me to the ‘neighborhood’ party, which just so happens to be in the cultural hall. I also have recently had to deal with some rather persistant and aggressive missionary duo. I don’t want to have to be mean, or grumpy or rude. But leave me the hell alone! It makes me angry that church members have no boundaries. That when I say please don’t invite me or my kids to church events and please don’t assign me friends to look out for me!
A year ago I had my name removed from the records. I had tried to just be ‘inactive’ in my ward, but I kept getting visits and worse they kept pestering my kids. And while all these well meaning people think its true. I feel just as strongly that it is not. So I took the step to have our records removed. I left the church, but guess what IT won’t leave me alone. I would love to have a relationship white many of my old ward members, but inevitably it leads to questions ( which I don’t mind) but they also then always want to invite me to the ‘neighborhood’ party, which just so happens to be in the cultural hall. I also have recently had to deal with some rather persistant and aggressive missionary duo. I don’t want to have to be mean, or grumpy or rude. But leave me the hell alone! It makes me angry that church members have no boundaries. That when I say please don’t invite me or my kids to church events and please don’t assign me friends to look out for me!
Yeah, being married to someone who isn’t really LDS, he’s nice to people and tries to be fair. But when they leave, guess who gets to hear how much he hates getting home teachers? Me. I try to tell them they’re there for ME not to convert him, but it doesn’t work. Plus he needs to be there so they’re not alone with me (right?). Since he’s married to me he knows exactly where to find the church if he ever changes his mind. People who try have good hearts but it’s hard on our relationship and even though I’d love it if he chose to change, the persistence isn’t helping it’s hurting!
Esp in Utah it’s really tough to escape from people wanting to convert & equally as impassioned people who want people to stop trying to convert them.
I wish there was a talk about how NOT to convert your neighbors or do missionary work. It would begin with letting the person who isn’t at all open to it, open ANY dialogue about the church. Otherwise, it’s being a better Christian not to bring it up.
Blog On
Janet
I remember as a kid my mom demanding that that ward and church leave her and her kids alone. She told me they had her sign some form as some formality (since she would not remove her records from the church). I am slightly suspect this all actually happened because a lot of things she said back then have turned out to be not true.
Appropriately, it was not friends in the ward that were “assigned” to me that helped bring me back into the church. It was the friends that were my friends no matter what that did. Eventually the ones that were assigned got bored and moved on. I would be invited to a few parties, but eventually for whatever reason I would be forgotten about for future parties. And considering how many of them treated me before I went inactive, it is not surprising. Their hearts were not pure in the endeavor.
About a year ago I told the bishop I was done doing home teaching, I haven’t done it since, but I dutifully get asked at church every month if I am free to go home teaching by my companion. I usually just go to sac meeting now to avoid that awkwardness. People in the church need to listen when people set boundaries. You only alienate people further and destroy trust when you don’t. Their may be rare anecdotes to the contrary, but more harm is done than good. My companion must think I am really lazy, well now he probably thinks I am an apostate.
I think it has a lot to do with setting expectations. Whenever I tell them what my role is as a home teacher. Then I ask them how they would like me to fulfill that role.
One person I email, one we have casual visits at our house, and 2 I am able to come inside and share a spiritual thought.
I love my families and am often praying for them and trying to find ways to help them progress and to show my love for them.
Whenever I have a new family*
I will forever be a stalwart defender of home teaching. Beyond the obvious spiritual benefits, I think it’s a good way to build relationships with neighbors beyond “You like movies? I like movies, too!” Being a home teacher also makes me feel more responsible for building a healthy community and I’ve heard from bishops how home teachers are indispensible when it comes to finding out when someone in the ward is truly in need of help.
I think there are a number of things that home teachers can do to make the activity less obnoxious. 1) Not asking to come by day of. 2) Not home teaching on Sunday. 3) Be freindly (or at least civil) to everyone in the neighborhood all the time so when you are assigned to “be their friend”, it’s not really that.
I’m not a fan of companions or teachers who walk up to me after church and ask about home teaching that day. With Sunday dinner, relatives to visit, a Saturday night that messed up the house and hasn’t been cleaned up, church auxillary meetings, choir practice, and all around wanting to spend some quiet time at home with my wife and kids, I am not a fan of Sunday home teaching. Now, if a family desires that course of action, that’s fine, but I think the home teachers should be considerate by asking when the family can meet and give them some heads up that is more than an hour or so.
I’ve also grown very disappointed with the state of many Utah neighborhoods. I’ve lived in East Millcreek, Salt Lake City, Murray, Sandy, and South Jordan, and maybe it’s my bad luck but I have to say that in every neighborhood I lived in, it has seemed that unless there is a church function, nobody talks to their neighbors or even comes together as a neighborhood. I think that hinders home teaching when it comes to people who aren’t 100% invested in the LDS church. For one, like others have said, it makes people who already feel like strangers in a strange land feel even more alienated when the only time people are friendly to them is when they are called to be so.
To sum it up, I guess I’m saying being a kind, considerate neighbor comes first, and home teaching should just be an extension of that, rather than the other way around.
Does anyone else feel as stupid as I do that I actually have to say that as though it’s something profound?
Great notes Jimmy. I would say the lack of community in a neighborhood is nation wide. I am in Southern California and knew everyone on my Cul de sac growing up. Now my parents maybe know half and only like about 3/4 of the ones they know.
My wife is super outgoing and makes an effort to get to know our neighbors.
“Visiting teaching someone who absolutely does not want you there, who has asked you not to come and who wants nothing to do with the religion you know is true, is miserable.
It is hard. It takes creativity and extreme delicacy. It takes genuine love and friendship. It takes patience and more patience.”
It’s not that hard to obey their wishes.
It isn’t always so cut and dry. I would say there are 3 types. The ones that don’t want you to come, but are too nice/embarrassed/scarred to say it. So they agree to appointments they have no intention of keeping and leave or get real quiet when you come to the door. When you finally connect, usually by dropping by since they don’t return calls, they ask you to come back later, and rinse repeat.
There are the ones who will say don’t come over, but if you mention removing their name from the records they get all defensive and say they still want their names on the records cause their parents would be sad, or they want help when they move, etc.
Then there are the honest ones. Don’t come over, remove my name from the records. I always say thank you, the Bishop will be following up to help you do that, as I don’t have the authority to do so.
The first two drive me insane sometimes. When I was in Elder’s Quorum Presidency I would be super bold and let people know our mandate, to care for the members of the ward and to check in on them to make sure they were taken care of and share a faith promoting message. If they didn’t want that, I’d try diminishing contact options, even email. If they wouldn’t even accept that, I would ask them why they keep their name on the records when it appears they want nothing to do with the church?
Not only am I bothering that person by fulfilling my stewardship, but I am leaving my family, my job, my Walking Dead season finale to play peek a boo with someone behind the binds because they cant be bothered with answering the door and chatting for 15 minutes.
I’m really a nice guy, just give me a chance.