Dear Mormon Sex Girls,
I have a few seemingly awkward questions and since you ladies are the only ones out there that are willing to talk so openly about sexuality I figured I would reach out. I did order your controversial chapter from your book online which might answer some of my questions.
So, I am an active LDS, young adult, single girl. I have tried to keep myself clean except for the occasional trip to the bishops office for heavy petting. It seems that I cannot get the balance with being in a serious relationship without “messing up.” I do consider myself to be a really sexual person which I don’t think is a bad thing. Just the timing of it all.
Anyway, I hit 30 and my hormones are going crazy. Seriously. I feel like my panties are on fire all the time. I had a solid make out session with someone when I went home for Christmas and since then my whole body is pounding. The only thing I can do to “relieve it” is take care of it myself.
So in my mind the controversy is:
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The church advises against it, the “M” word
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I would love to be married and making babies
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My body is starting it’s sexual peak in life
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I want a good relationship with sexuality and not guilt
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I want to remain worthy
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I don’t want to feel so threatened when I am in a relationship that us going a little further with intimacy is going to sabotage the relationship, with the guy, or the church. Especially when I feel like this train is not going to stop.
Any advice for single girls?
Sincerely,
Hormonally On Fire
Dear Hormonally On Fire,
Thank you for the email. Good for you on taking an active role in continuing to learn, explore and be aware of your sexuality. Embracing your sexuality is a gift in our opinion, and can also pose different challenges when trying to balance with LDS standards while being single.
The first thing you need to know is you won’t get approval in an ecclesiastical way to “relieve things” through masturbation. We are just going to say it, masturbation. While there seems to be some shifts organizationally, specifically in the Strength of Youth manual (they no longer mention masturbation), as a single adult the expectation at the organizational level is abstinence in all things sexual until marriage.
Secondly, it’s important to acknowledge we are sexual beings throughout our lifespan with libidos that wax and wane due to biology and circumstance. Masturbation is a normal and natural part of being a human being and can be a way to manage your desires until you are in a relationship where you want, choose and can fully express your sexuality with your partner.
Thirdly, it’s important for YOU to grapple with how you feel about masturbation as it relates to your sexuality and spirituality. We have found that many people haven’t really conversed with our Heavenly Father or taken a moment to think about how they feel about their sexuality. Do YOU feel like it is wrong? Why? Is there an aspect that feels like it could be a healthy choice for you to manage your sexuality while dating giving you greater control with going farther than you want? Why are you choosing to not masturbate? What would happen if you did or did not? How will you manage your sexual desire from a position of abstinence?
If we look at what we know from the scriptures is we are given many choices in life that are contrary to each other. Don’t eat the fruit but replenish the earth, thou shalt not kill but slay Laban. We were given agency to learn how to manage ourselves and our physical bodies. One of our main goals as a Sex Therapist and Sex Coach is to help people discover for themselves about how they feel about these things. This may be one of those areas where you masturbate,various emotions come up giving you a chance see how you feel about it. You may experience a peace surrounding your sexuality feeling more in control or you may have guilt and/or shame come up. Rather than judge or be reactionary to these various emotions observe them. Be curious about them. This will only further your relationship with yourself which will continue to be an asset in your life.
You will find many will be willing to give you their opinion and tell you how to be, but at the end of the day, you are the one who lives with yourself day in and day out.
Best of luck in your journey,
xo
The Sex Girls
Who are the Mormon Sex Girls? Our names are Kristin and Alisha and we are known as The Sex Girls. We are co-authors of newly published book “Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality”, Kristin is a Sex Therapist and Alisha is a sex and intimacy coach. The best part is we are sisters and not just sisters in the gospel, but literal sisters. Our goal and mission is to start having conversations about sex and intimacy in our culture so we can have healthier and happier relationships. Intimacy is an important part of that. We accomplish this in a variety of ways through workshops, therapy, coaching, radio and television but we also answer real questions from real people to help where they feel stuck.
Send us your questions and we’ll give you answers. You maintain complete confidentiality, so your identify is safe with us. You can find us at realintimacybook.com, thehealinggroup.com, facebook/askthesexgirls or email: askthesexgirls@gmail.com
I am a single mother, Mormon convert of 13 years and 38 years old. I have been single and looking for mr. Right for 13 years – 13 years!!! I too am striving to maintain my worthiness and have struggled for years to overcome physical desires and hormonal waves.
I have tried both methods – relieving myself, and abstaining from the act. I have gone through phases where I felt like relieving myself was okay, and other times when I felt very guilty about it. I still honestly don’t know if it’s alright in general.
I can tell you that “relieving myself’ did NOT make controlling myself on dates more manageable. As a matter of fact it made me LESS resilient to the temptation, and more interested in just getting satisfied instead of withstanding the feeling.
I have also felt blessings from resisting the temptation to relieve myself. I can say that I am always successful, but the relief doesn’t seem to provide what I’m really yearning, a physical connection with a man. The relief is hollow somehow, and I am trying very hard to breathe through the surges of hormones; and they do subside.
I can say that finding something to distract myself is helpful – exercise helps, a cold shower, you know the drill most men act like they need to ‘cool off’? I do those things – and I can usually manage. I hope this helps!
I know that this is a sensitive issue, and I don’t see the authors of this VERY well thought-out response trying to encourage or defend this act. However, I think it’s important for readers not to use the fact that this is a natural part of the human biology to possibly justify making this decision. Sex between two unmarried people is natural, too.
Mosiah 3:19 — “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…”
I am somebody who discovered what masturbation was before I knew in my heart it was wrong. I hope I haven’t offended anyone, and I’m not going to judge anybody who chooses to do it, because it’s certainly not any of my business. However, in my opinion, that is one desire that is meant to be overcome, and avoiding it is the epitome of integrity. Orgasm is a part of sex. Save it for marriage… it’s worth it.
May I add one more comment? Once you start, it’s hard to stop…
The only time I feel like I have a real orgasim is when I masterbate. I hate it but after sex it hurts to not be relieved. I too struggle with this. There is no one to talk to and I don,t know what to do. Sometimes I masturbate before or after sex on my own without my husband knowing so when we do it, I don’t do it in front of him and make him feel bad. But sometimes after a have masturbated I don’t feel like having sex any more. It is very hard:( any advice?
Hi Annalisa –
We would love to further answer your question on this blog because many couple’s struggle with HOW to talk about sex to improve their sexual relationship.
Watch for an answer in a couple of weeks!
Kristin
Mormon sex girls
I recently read your reaponse to a single female who feels tempted to masterbate. I was shocked by your response. You used scriptures to demonstrate that we are given choices in life that contradict each other. Such as Nephi slaying Laban and Adam and Eve partaking of the fruit of knowledge. My concern is that in both these instances the commandments are not being broken to merely curb ones appetite. Rather it is for the betterment for all.
Behold the Lord slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief.
(1 Nephi 4:13)
Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.
(2 Nephi 2:25)
I hardly think masterbation to fulfill ones sexual desires constitutes something so great as a nation dwindling and perishing in unbelief
or to thwart the destiny if man.
With the case of Nephi, it was God who told Nephi to break his commandment, not his counselor picking and choosing what to follow.
In the case of Adam and Eve, it is correct they chose to break a commandment, but they still had to live with the consequences.They were KICKED out of the presence of God and forced to work by the sweat of their brow.
This life is a test to see if we will follow God’s commandments and to learn to master our bodies. I believe as we liken the scriptures to ourselves we need to carefully weigh the consequences of our decisions.
Amy, thanks for your response and perspective. One of the marvelous things about the scriptures is how “alive” they are and can fit a myriad of situations and circumstances — which is what we were trying to promote with our article. And yes, we totally agree with you that weighing the consequences of our decisions is absolutely critical, but that is where we have found many individuals and couples struggle. Instead of carefully and thoughtfully considering the various paths before them, as well as working through these considerations with the Lord, they simply defer to cultural standards and practices out of fear. Then, over time, that fear creates an energy of its own and many people find themselves going down roads they never would’ve considered before and/or building up such resentment and anger toward themselves, their spouse, and/or God that they end up where they were afraid of going in the first place. All we are advocating is critical thought — on any subject and truly becoming stewards over ourselves and our relationships. Looking at things from all angles, thinking through the why’s and what if’s, and consulting the Lord for guidance because, as exemplified by Nephi, sometimes one can be guided to feel okay about something deemed not okay by society at large. And sexuality is a topic with which society continues to struggle because it’s not easy, we don’t really know how to talk about it, and sometimes we’re even afraid to really think about it. But the reality is, our sexuality is something we will spend eternity working through. It’s always changing and will continue to change due to age, health, and circumstance. It would be nice if there were a nicely contained box in which to place the complexities of the human experience, but there just isn’t — and we work with those complexities everyday. Our mission is to create a space for healthy and genuine conversation to occur to allow individuals and couples to establish what is right for them and their situation. And what works and is ok for one individual or couple may not be okay for another.
“The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” This quote comes directly from “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” Notice carefully that it says specifically “employed ONLY between man and women” Not to be confused with employed by ones self. If you are temple endowed you have made COVENANTS with your Heavenly Father to obey the law of chastity that you will only have sexual relationships with whom you are lawfully wedded. This is a command that very directly means no sexual relationships are to happen with anyone but your spouse. This includes YOURSELF.
While the wording has changed in the For Strength of Youth (they simply took out the word masturbation) the command has NOT changed! “Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. The prophet Alma taught that sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder or denying the Holy Ghost (see Alma 39:5).” If this command applies to the youth of our church, surely it applies to the young/old single adults in our church, and certainty to the married as well.
The commandments are there and they are there for a reason. Commandments are different than cultural standards. You cannot adjust them to fit your own personal life. There are not various paths to back to our Heavenly Father, there is only one and that is the straight and narrow; and the commandments are there to make sure we stay on that one sure path. We are here to put off the natural man, to overcome the natural man, to learn to control our bodies and govern them to do what is right. You were right about one thing, the ecclesiastical leaders of the LDS church will never give approval for masturbation. That is because they speak for our Heavenly Father and he has already given the commandment.
I appreciate the idea of your blog, but if you are going to express your thoughts on a topic that is contrary to the views of the LDS church, please don’t tie the “Mormon” name to it. There are people who may not be familiar with the LDS church and may come to your blog and receive contradicting views. For those of you who are LDS or not, looking for answers with an LDS perspective, go to the source of our latter day prophets who have answers to latter day questions. Link below.
https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/sexual-purity?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/03/the-lords-standard-of-morality?lang=eng
See Self-Abuse
Im thankful this topic has been discussed. I’m in my 30’s and was married for a short time after graduating BYU. I’ve been single now for over 10 yrs. I date often but I’m somewhat picky now since the first marriage didn’t last. I masturbate 2-3 times a week. For me, my orgasm is less sexual and more therapuetic. It helps me unwind and fall asleep. It feels pleasurable and relaxes me. At times I’ve felt guilty, not because of the act, but because I’ve been told its wrong. About two years ago my college girlfriends and I had a weekend trip together and the topic of masturbation (vibrators) was brought up. We learned that four of the five of us masturbate regularly, even the two married ones ! Now I’m less afraid to admit to it.
This post has been nominated for a 2014 Brodie Award in the category of “Best Erotic or Sexual Piece”. Please go here if you would like to vote for it! 😀
Not sure whose podcast my wife had been following but after 14 years of marriage we now are both happier in our marriage knowing we both agreed on being able to masturbate (just this year actually) whenever we get the urge and the other isn’t in the mood or not around.
Because I’m a dude and we as guys want it everyday but that’d never in a million years for me so to be able to release the tension is all the better.
Sometimes she’ll get herself going and then I’ll pick up where she left off. It awesome!
We both don’t feel any less worthy and it has made our relationship a heck of a lot more open as well as many other things and our bedroom is ours alone and for no one else!