Selfishly Childless – A Relief Society Throwdown

I’m not sure what the Relief Society Lesson was supposed to be, but I’m pretty sure we took it well off topic. As Relief Society lessons often do, it took a rapid, hostile turn that no one (except everyone) could have predicted. It started out with the idea that we, as a society of women, are strong and that we need one another. Agreed. The RSP (Relief Society President) was teaching and began by saying how much she’s learned from older and younger women in Relief Society.  She talked about how we often judge one another and categorize one another, but that we are ONE and should focus on that.

Somehow her way of illustrating this concept was to write a bunch of categories on the board like “Married, young kids,” “Married, empty-nesters,” “Divorced, kids,” “Single, childless,” “strong testimony,” “weak testimony” etc. I wasn’t surprised to see my category “Young-Married-no-kids” not on the board, as I’ve found wards/the Church treats you like an elevator button that’s already been pushed. You won’t last long in that category, so why bother? I can hardly blame them. But it doesn’t make us feel valued or respected much. I didn’t correct her.

She had the youngest of the sisters stand – two brand-spanking-new 18 year olds fresh out of YW – and wave, then sit. She asked the rest of us what advice, scriptures or experience we would like to impart to these sisters, having been there ourselves. I felt a little twinge – I should share! I’m not that old and have plenty of things I’d like to share with these beautiful girls. But come on, you’re new. Lay low. No one cares what you have to say.

But after one older sister told them to walk out of PG-13 movies and another preached the evils of Facebook the urge was stronger. I raised my hand and offered a few pieces of advice, the girls beaming at me. I felt good! I helped! I’m not useless!

When I concluded, the RSP blurts “And oh! Danica! You’d be next, right? How old are you? You’ve been married 3 years? And no kids? Oh then we have another category!” I felt the smiling looks around me turn inquisitive as she wrote “Young married, no kids” on the board. “So, sisters? What advice, scriptures, experiences do you wish you’d had as a young married, before your children?”

The sourest, empty-nester, spidery looking woman in the front row raises her hand promptly and turns in her seat to look at me. She smiles, but the kindness doesn’t spread to her eyes as she begins describing her daughter-in-law, who SO UNFORTUNATELY put off having kids and then insisted on ONLY having 3 so she could live a LAVISH lifestyle, have her kids on ALL THE BEST sports teams and VACATION to Cancun every year.

This was, of course, selfish. “Motherhood is what God gave us time for!” We are being both worldly and unChristlike if we do not have early and frequent babies. She glanced at me, every third syllable. I felt pitying eyes darting between she and I, expecting me to cower or be smitten by the hand of God on the spot.

I wanted to interject: “Wow. I bet you’re popular. Good luck seeing your grandkids for the rest of your life.”

Defiant and rebellious feelings surged, and I tried to simply smile back at her and nodded.  “I agree!” I tried to communicate. I do agree. Motherhood is so absolutely critical. So important. Monumental. It IS what God gave us time for.

Her fake smile faltered as this young little tart had the GALL to not shrivel under admonishing. She stopped and the RSP started to interject, obviously uncomfortable.

But the spider woman pressed on. “Now, many women CAN’T have kids and that’s just all about the Lord’s timing – not your fault!” her simpering assumption that I must not have children because of infertility is somehow worse. My eyebrows raise and a sister in the second row begins to cry.

“Well, ok, good, thanks….” the RSP splutters.

“Thank you,” I say with a determined and not disingenuous smile. I hope with all my might she is a good, kind person that is just angry at her daughter-in-law and overwhelmed. “I completely agree. Infertility is such a trial and I admire all sisters who have the faith to go through that. I believe motherhood is very important. So important. I think this world doesn’t take it seriously enough and there are far too many unfit mothers out there. When I am ready and prepared, as ready and prepared as I can be, I’m going to move forward because kids deserve good, loving mothers that can raise them right.” 

Spider woman nodded with a frown, the crying woman calmed down and the RSP rapidly thanked me and surged on to ask for advice for the young mothers. Lesson not learned, I guess?

If Motherhood was the only reason we were here, we wouldn’t have callings. We wouldn’t deal with infertility. We wouldn’t have meetings and obligations and responsibilities that so often keep us from our families. There is so much good to be done in this world, and it has never been limited to your immediate family. Is motherhood vital? Are families the key to happiness and salvation? Of course. But to imply that you are wrong, you have no worth or you are somehow inferior to others because you lack children is entirely against this loving gospel. It’s also incredibly hurtful to those who are unable to become mothers. STOPPPPPITTTT.

These sour, judgmental women are everywhere. But thankfully they aren’t everyone.

If you’re one of them… how are you even reading this? Those women don’t go on the “evil” internet!

If you’re one of me… hang in there. Don’t get completely turned off to RS and the Church in general. Love the good, ignore the bad and focus on the Savior. He’ll know your heart. He’ll send you children when He and You and They are ready.

And no judgy spider woman, no mother, no sister, no girlfriends get to tell you when YOU are bringing sacred souls into this world.  Butt out.