Frequently in our church, we are asked to “magnify” our callings. If you’re unfamiliar with that term, just think of how a magnifying glass makes things appear bigger to those who look into it. Applying that same concept to your calling, it means that you should be doing more than the bare minimum required of you, so as to appear bigger and better to the ward members who are watching and presumably judging your every move. That can be a fun challenge if you’ve got a calling that you enjoy, but sometimes you’d like to take a magnifying glass to your calling in a completely different way.  Sometimes you want to take it out in the sun to burn your calling to a crisp like so much ants.

So what do you do if you find yourself in that latter situation? Is there any way to remove yourself from a calling that you are unsatisfied with? The answer is YES, and it’s easier than you think! Allow me to break it down into 6 easy steps:

1-Make sure this is something you really want to do. Once you begin this journey, there is no going back. You may have regrets, but you need to make sure that the benefits outweigh them. Make a pros/cons chart, if you need to. That always seems to help people on TV shows.

2-Bide your time. This is not something that should be rushed. Get your affairs in order, make sure your loved ones are taken care of, and make sure you have the supplies you’re going to need. Starting over from scratch is both emotionally and financially exhausting.

3-Find a Body. Wait until nightfall, then go to the local graveyard and find a body that is approximately your same height and gender. It probably won’t be the first body that you dig up, but fortunately Mormonism has prepared you for all the digging you’ll require with years of service projects. Remember that one year at scout camp when Brother Harmon made you dig holes for fence posts on that ranch? He didn’t realize it, but he was preparing you, Mr Miyagi-style, for just such an occasion as this.

4-Fake your death. When deciding on a method of fake death, I subscribe to the school of thought that the more fire, the better. I recommend putting the body that you borrowed in step 3 into your car, lighting your car on fire, then pushing it off a cliff. Make sure to load the car with a few jugs of gasoline, so that there’s a really cool explosion when it hits the ground.

5-Flee. Can you smell what I smell? That’s the smell of sweet liberation from your unwanted calling! (Sweet liberation smells a lot like burning gasoline.) This liberation is just around the corner, but for now you need to decide on a place to live out this new-found freedom. At this point, the world is your oyster; Will you go to Mexico? Europe? Nebraska? That is for you to decide. In any case, I recommend going at least 5 miles away from your previous residence. You will also want to make yourself look unlike yourself. Color your hair, grow a beard, shave your eyebrows, get a tattoo on your face, amputate an arm, part your hair on the other side, start chewing gum… do anything you need to do to not be recognized as the former owner of your calling. You also get to come up with a new name, so you might as well make it as cool as possible, like “Zeus Dragonheart” or “Gregory Fireball” or “Rocky Rocketship” or “Nads McLaserknife.” Those are all available, by the way, so feel free to use them.

6-Start your new life. You have now been given carte blanche to create whatever life you want! With the right forged documents, you can be whatever you want to be, so get creative with your new self. Are you an astronaut? A corn-farmer? A pirate? An accountant? You decide! You’ll also have to pick a religion for your new self; are you still going to be Mormon? I hope so, but have you ever considered becoming a Jehovah’s Witness? They seem like nice people, and famous musician Prince is one of these, so you’d be in good company. Also, if you do choose a non-LDS religion, there’s practically zero chance of them giving you the same calling you just escaped from… Just something to think about.
From time to time, you will be tempted to contact people from your former life. You absolutely cannot take this chance. There’s too much of a risk that they will know about your calling, and they may ask you to perform the duties thereof, which would utterly ruin everything that you’ve worked for thus far. When you start to miss your loved ones, you’ll have to stalk them anonymously through social media. After all, if that’s not the purpose of social media, then what is?

Wow, congratulations, you did it! You’re now free from the burden of your undesired calling! It feels good, doesn’t it? I’m so proud of you for having the courage to do this. Some people would call you a coward for running away from teaching a class of 4-year olds, but I salute you as a doggone hero.

…Of course, there is another option: you could always go to your bishop and ask to be released. Most bishops are pretty cool about that kind of thing, actually.