Let’s Talk About Sex…wait, WHAT!?
My sweetheart and I recently celebrated our 6 year anniversary by taking a small 2 day “stay-cation” to a fancy hotel in Salt Lake City. The first morning of our trip, I sat lazily in a large plush chair, eating room serviced across from my handsome husband, when my phone rang. Why would I answer for anyone but the babysitter when I was enjoying such a pleasant and special time with my husband? I wouldn’t. I did however text them back once I realized it was my good friend who’d called, and 2 minutes later I received a most unexpected reply;
“Do you and your hubby wanna speak to the YW next Tuesday on sexual purity?”
…Seriously? Is this a joke? You want us to speak in your ward to all the young women about the s-word? I was definitely surprised. So was my husband. I was never given “the talk.” We don’t have kids that age. What do we know? I laughed and texted back that of course we would, but that I wanted all the details and direction possible. I am always happy to help with the youth, especially when it’s a beloved friend requesting something, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was instantly nervous about the idea and dreading having to get up in front of a group and tell them about such a weighty and uncomfortable topic. As the day went on and I thought about it more, I realized that I am actually kind of a sexual-discussion-wuss. I can talk about anything and everything with my husband, but beyond him, I get all sorts of embarrassed.
When I was our ward’s Achievement Days leader I gave an extremely watered down version of the chastity lesson to precious little 8 and 9 yr old’s, and even then I was nervous. Typically I’m a confident speaker when it comes to kids, but the topic of chastity always seems to be that dark and mysterious road that no leader wants to stroll on down with a pack of kids in tow, and I am no exception.
The Sunday before the Tuesday night meeting, we finally found out what all was going down with this…opportunity. It was to be a dress up dinner with their parents and we were to be the keynote speakers. As far as exactly what were we supposed to talk about, “let the spirit guide you,” was the only direction. NO! That’s the worst. You want us to throw something together in 2 days and aren’t going to give us even a hint of what you’re expecting us to say? This was going to be really hard and uncomfortable. I appreciate the vote of confidence in my spirituality, but I’d really love more to work with. I was also told that the group would include everything from naïve little 12 year olds who didn’t like the word “sex,” to older girls who were no longer virgins. My anxiety increased exponentially.
The next day, I set to work. I read and reread the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, I prayed for guidance, I tried to think of good examples from my own life, but not surprisingly, the best resource ended up being Facebook. I posted on both my own profile and that of The Cultural Hall, this Status: “HELP! My husband and I have been asked to speak to another ward’s young women about the law of chastity/sexual purity… What would you want to say if you had a group of girls’ undivided attention for 15 minutes? What do you wish you’d understood when you were 12-18yrs old?”
The response was incredible. People wrote me multiple paragraphs on how important it was for young women to respect themselves, or how we should tell those who make mistakes they still have hope of becoming clean again with the atonement. I was sent links to talks from general authorities and sound bites of Sheri Dew. Friends even called me to share moving stories that they didn’t want to post on-line. I was incredibly appreciative that everyone would so willingly share their thoughts on the subject, and as I formulated more and more of an outline, I found myself becoming less nervous and more excited. Once I’d finally finished all my preparations, I was actually looking forward to the opportunity to boldly share on such an important subject. Really, I was flattered and honored that the YW’s presidency would trust me and my sweetheart with such a delicate task, and I was grateful for the chance to be an influence for good to those at such a critical point in life.
The evening came, I pulled on a skirt, and after dropping off our little guys at a friend’s home, we made our way into the nicely decorated Relief Society room where the YW’s presidency awaited our arrival. As people trickled in and took their seats, I noticed a few younger children were joining us. Do these people know what we’re discussing here tonight? You don’t actually want your 7-year-old son to listen to this, do you? And your 5-year-old daughter? And you in the corner, you want your 6-year-old to hear a chastity talk geared towards teenagers??? All my confidence about being bold went out the window. How am I supposed to say “mast…..” in front of a 5-year-old!? For crying out loud, people. (In all honesty, I couldn’t have said that m-word anyway. I can’t even type it, let alone say it out loud.)
I wont share my entire talk, but here are a few things I included;
For years and years sex has been made out to be something dirty, bad, and evil, and I wanted to illustrate how it was actually a wonderful and special gift from our Heavenly Father. There is nothing at all bad about it, if it is saved for the right place and right time.
I showed them these three pictures and asked them to tell me which one was immodest. They easily chose the first picture, and I asked them, “why that one? The others are actually showing more skin than the first.” No one was actually brave enough to elaborate, so I did. When you put a girl in the context of swimming, bare shoulders and legs are completely appropriate. And a professional ballerina on stage is both an athlete and an artist who’s traditional “uniform” that goes back centuries. Again, completely appropriate. I can’t speak for our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson, but I can certainly imagine that after a cultured night out watching the Royal Austrian Ballet Company, he would congratulate this girl on an amazing performance and even tell her how beautiful she looked in such an exquisite costume. There is an appropriate time and place for most everything, and when intimacy is saved for a husband and wife, it is no longer inappropriate, but beautiful, special and sacred.
One of the best comments sent to me on Facebook was this, “The law of chastity is not only a protection for your spirituality and against pregnancy or disease, but also a protection for your heart. There’s nothing that makes a person more vulnerable than sex, and it should be the pinnacle of trust knowing you are promised fidelity and love in exchange for this most sacred piece of yourself.”
We eventually went over a list of “Don’ts” and I recounted a humorous story from college in which I had kicked a boy out of my apartment for getting a little too “handsy.” Once my entire part was over, I have to say, I was decently pleased. The girls were mature and polite. They laughed at most of the places I’d hoped they would and eventually raised their hands to answer questions that I posed. I spoke with confidence and thought I’d driven home the most important points, and after the closing prayer had been given, I received plenty of compliments and thank-you’s from the mothers and other leaders. I think it went ok.
My husband on the other hand, I know his part went ok. It went great. He did an incredible job of speaking boldly to a room comprised entirely of females. (And one 7 year old boy.) He spoke of how they were the greatest generation of young women to date, and that they had been saved specifically for these difficult times. He explained how they were greatness and that the moment some boy treated them as less than the daughters of God that they are, that it was time to move on because they deserved better. He explained a little the thought processes of a man when it comes to physicality, and that it was extremely different than how they as women thought about and perceived intimacy. I was impressed and proud as he finished in the name of our savior and sat back down next to me.
Afterward, we drove home hand in hand and expressed relief that it was finally over and done with, but as I stared out the window at the illuminated moon in the sky, I got the feeling this may have simply been the first of many chastity discussions we will have with the youth. Does that mean I’m in for another calling to young women’s? I don’t know, but maybe I should think about refining this talk I just gave. Sigh. Oh well, when all is said and done, I guess it was just another typical night in the life of a Mormon housewife.