I was tired of being a “Fat Kid”

From the time I was born I LOVED to eat. My Dad tells methat the moment they took me to the nursery at the hospital I screamed until they gave me a bottle of formula, which I proceeded to guzzle down like a champ. By the time I was 7 years old I was tipping the scale at over 100 pounds even though I was actively involved in team sports. My parents (who were also obese) would just tell me that I was “big-boned” and not to worry.

 

I lived my life as a “fat kid.” I ended up falling out of activity but eventually decided to serve a mission right before my 21^st birthday. I met with my bishop and decided to start my papers, and with that I had to get a physical. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been to the doctor’s office. I got on the scale and weighed in at 298lbs. I had early signs of high blood pressure and diabetes, but the doctor still cleared me for a mission with where I was. I was surprised and realized that I needed to get my act together, but I knew I could handle a mission.

 

I had a meeting with my Stake President. I had known him since I was a child, so we had a really great relationship. He is one of the most kind and loving men that I know. He was excited to send me in to the mission field but said that he was unable to submit my papers with my listed height and weight (5’9”, 298lbs) because it was outside of the allowable BMI range. He told me, “I had to put that you weigh 280lbs on your papers so they would accept them. You don’t want to make a liar out of me, right?” It was from that moment that weight loss became a major focus in my life.

 

I got my call to the Utah Salt Lake City Mission, English speaking. Talk about a blow to your ego. I was disappointed, but realized that if I was going on a mission for the right reasons it didn’t matter where I went as long as it was where the Lord needed me. I accepted my call and continued my workout and eating regimen for the three months until I was to report to the MTC.

 

I entered the MTC at around 270lbs.; well under my goal, I was elated! I continued my focus on losing weight as I went through the MTC and as I made it out in to the field. As a missionary in Utah we had the benefit of dinners with members every night. We were only responsible to handle our own breakfast and lunch, and I was easily able to restrict my calorie intake those meals. At a point about 4 months in to my mission I started telling members that I was lactose intolerant so I would avoid being served most casseroles and most desserts (which are VERY common missionary meals in Utah). I still feel bad for doing this, but at the time it was helping me hit my personal goals so I didn’t see the issue and my companions didn’t mind either.

 

This continued on through my mission. I served in walking/biking areas so I was getting more exercise than I had ever experienced up to that point in my life, but weight loss wasn’t really my main focus. I was working hard and really just not eating a lot. Before I knew it I had dropped to around 170lbs by the time I had been out for 8 months. I had to make a LOT of trips to DI and Goodwill for new suits.

 

Then I was called to be in leadership and transferred to an area in the Sugarhouse neighborhood of Salt Lake. This area is beautiful, it’s still my favorite part of SLC, but the missionary work was very slow. My companion was from another country and didn’t know much of American culture, so it was a prime time for my eating disorder to flourish, and it did not miss out on its opportunity.

 

I continued restricting and focusing on my calorie intake. I was adamant about telling others that I was lactose intolerant even when I was going on exchanges in order to make sure wouldn’t eat more than 800 calories in a day. I’d wake up early to exercise for a full hour in the morning. I had dropped to 153lbs by the end of that transfer. I had dropped nearly 20lbs in just 6 weeks in Sugarhouse. I would get many compliments from the missionaries and members that knew me when I first started serving. I liked the attention. It was nice to be recognized for something that I felt I was able to control all on my own. I wanted that recognition.

I started having issues with my circulation. It was to the point that I could no longer feel my hands after spending a few minutes out in the Utah winter. I shrugged it off; after all, I was an Arizona boy spending his first full winter in Utah. I thought it was completely normal. In mid-December 2008 I had dropped to 132lbs. I was excited, but my Mission President’s wife was concerned when she saw me at the most recent Leadership Meeting. She told me to call her if I’m still having circulation problems or if “anything odd happens.”

 

I thought I deserved a bit of a reward. On Christmas day I decided to let myself have a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and help myself to any snacks that my companion had gathered. I ate everything I could that day, but when I weighed myself the next day I was at 138lbs. I was completely miserable, but I couldn’t help but want to eat more candy and junk food. I felt like I had lost control. We’d stop over at the missionary’s apartments at night and give them spiritual thoughts and I’d eat their Christmas goodies. One night I was on exchanges with a sick missionary. He was asleep and I was eating his leftover Christmas snacks when I had the uncontrollable need to purge. I went to the bathroom and tried to, but couldn’t. I sat there after trying, with tears running down my cheeks and had a moment of clarity. I felt disgusting. I was staring down a toilet that wasn’t even mine, that was filthy (it was in a mission apartment after all), for what? Why was I doing this? I immediately knew something was wrong. I had crossed a line.

 

I immediately called my mission president’s wife and told her what I had done. She told me not to worry and that she would have an appointment scheduled for me at LDS Family Services the next day. I had my initial evaluation with a therapist at LDS Family Services and was immediately diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and bulimia. They told me that they had a specialist that would meet with sister missionaries from the Temple Square mission, but they would be able to add me to her clientele if I agreed to treatment.

 

I started treatment with the specialist the next day. She had me destroy my scale with a hammer and forced me to flush my newly purchased weight-loss pills immediately. She asked me to meet with her three times a week and then meet with a nutritionist at LDS Hospital once a week. I had to agree to this arrangement, as it was what the missionary department had said I needed to follow in order to stay in mission field.

 

After a couple of weeks I was not showing any improvement. They were doing blind weigh-ins at each therapist appointment and I assume that I wasn’t gaining weight at the correct speed. My therapist asked me point blank “Do you still want to serve a mission?” and I answered without even really thinking “No, not with this.”

 

In that moment I realized what I had said. I was exhausted; I didn’t know how to control myself anymore. I was scared of myself. I couldn’t think about the people we were trying to find or even take the time to say a sincere prayer. I thought about how selfish my thoughts and actions had been for the months leading up to this moment. I was so disgusted with myself at that time. I remember looking at my nametag and wondering if I should even keep wearing it once I left the office. My therapist left the room and made a phone call to my Mission President. We ended the session with her saying we’d talk again the next day, she’d come in especially to deal with my situation, but to continue the day like it was just another day.

 

The next day I came in and she said that my Mission President said that he would not allow me to go home early. It wasn’t my time to leave and he knew I could overcome this trial. I didn’t know how to take this news; didn’t I just say I was done? Was I even worthy to stay on the mission after having that thought? Why can’t I say when I’m ready to go home? I met with my therapist for just a short time. She said she didn’t agree with my President’s decision, but that she’d follow his suggestion because he was my priesthood leader and had the final say. She reiterated the treatment plan, and said we’d take it week to week but that I had to show improvement.

 

At that time I felt that I was in a similar position that I was in when I was sent out. Did I want to make my Mission President a liar? Did I want to override this spiritual giant and show him that I was a lost cause? No. I realized that I didn’t and that the thoughts from my eating disorder were not from the Lord. My eating disorder was the biggest distraction that I had suffered from to that point on my mission. My therapist said that she was surprised that I was functioning to the point that I was. My thoughts and speech were noticeably delayed because I was suffering from malnutrition and she was afraid I might have suffered a stroke within the coming weeks if I had not come in for treatment.

 

My transition was not immediate but it was consistent. I was released from my leadership calling at the end of that transfer and spent a couple of transfers training new missionaries in Granger (West Valley), where the work was a little more fruitful. It was a time of repairing myself and getting back to the basics. I knew I had to be the best missionary I could be and focused on helping my trainees grow and learn. I had to have an interesting talk with each Elder in the first few days they were out and explain to them my situation. They were all very accepting and wanted to help me in any way they could.

 

I started gaining weight back. I finished my mission with a few months in Tooele and a final transfer in Rose Park, all places where we were well cared for and I had fantastic, compassionate companions. These were some of the most meaningful and memorable times on my mission where we had the most success. I know it was so fruitful because I knew what I was so close to losing.  I continued going to see my therapist three times a week, and then it dropped to twice a week, and then once a week, and then once every other week. Progress continued and it was through the support and understanding of the Elders I served with and those around me. I was happy, healthy, and focused on the work. I came home weighing something around 180lbs (I can’t be certain, I wasn’t allowed to weigh myself).

 

My parents came to pick me up and were happy to see that I was still healthy. They had lost a lot of weight and it was hard to cope with at first. My father was a large man before, and I never knew he was actually such a sleight build; it really threw me off at first. I immediately stopped treatment and focused on school and work. I’m still not sure that was the best decision, but there was no treatment facility here in Arizona that LDS Family Services could recommend me to. I’ve done my best to manage it myself, but it’s helped that I’ve been able to stay busy in the years since my mission. I still battle with ED (my eating disorder), but he oddly pops in under disguise. He’s disguised as my financial budgeter, or as my planner, or as my general conscience. He comes in my life in many different ways, but I have worked hard to get rid of the anxiety that he thrives on. I feel like I have it under control, but he’s still always there.

 

My recovery really came down to having faith in the Lord and myself. ED tried to make me feel like I was nothing, and he succeeded for so long. It was only once my Mission President and those around me shows that they had faith in ME that I really started to believe I could survive with this. I don’t know what happened behind closed doors or what strings had to be pulled, but I am forever indebted to my Mission President and his decision to keep me on my mission. I relied on blessings and daily study with a focus on how to change my thoughts to ones that were more positive to get me through the day-to-day. Personally, I’ve never been a very spiritual person. However, looking back, I can see the hand of the Lord in my life, especially at this time. There are too many things that were in place that helped me recover and become a stronger person and I can say one of it was coincidence.

Today I live in Arizona and have a beautiful wife (who holds a culinary arts degree I might add) and adorable son. We recently bought our first house and I have a stable career in the commercial banking industry. The Lord has blessed my life greater than I ever imagined and I can bear my testimony that He is always there for us and is ready to lift us and strengthen us no matter how daunting the trail may be.