I will never forget the first night after I gave birth to my first child. I hardly slept, not out of pain, but out of vivid awareness. I kept waking up, remembering that I was a parent and feeling shocked. Something had changed: I was a different person, I felt different and looked at the world in a drastically different ways. Someone else had redefined who and what I was and I would never be the same.
Sixteen years later, I sat across from Kate Kelly in 2014 as she read the email informing her that she had been excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had only known her for a year, but in that time, I had grown to see her as a smart, spiritual woman with a commitment to equality for all of our Heavenly Parents’ children. I cannot describe how that day has impacted me—it was one of the most devastating and disappointing moments of my life. And I cannot imagine how it has impacted Kate.
The only way to describe the process I saw her go through is spiritual violence. With little warning that her local leaders were considering such action, the disciplinary council came as a shock to many of us. And it only got worse from there: the council was scheduled after she had flown across the country to care for her mother, so Kate could not attend. While many have argued to me that she should have attended at any cost, I can only say that I totally disagree. In the time I have known Kate, family is of supreme importance to her and I would never have expected her to abandon her mother. I also would not have agreed to attend the council via teleconference, as a woman, alone, in the Church Office Building late at night. Her choices, though judged harshly by so many who had already made up their minds, made perfect sense to me.
I share this background information to set the stage for Kate’s recent decision to step down from the Ordain Women executive board (of which I am still an active member), her participation and promotion in a mass resignation from the LDS Church, her presentation at the Sunstone Conference, and yes, the laptop. I have worked closely with her, only to say goodbye to her as she moved off the OW board to focus on other causes. Many have asked my opinion or my feelings on the Kate of 2015, probably expecting me to either defend her every move or completely disavow her. When is life ever that simple?
Well, to be honest, I don’t think anything different than I did a year ago. She is still Kate to me. Over the past year, I have seen a woman in transition; something we all experience at various points in our lives. Luckily most of us have the privilege of making that transition in private, with only our close friends and family taking note. Kate is undertaking this project in the public eye. Though she was excommunicated in June 2014, the case was not officially closed until February of this year. She has had six months to adjust to a life that no longer includes her Mormonism—a redefinition of herself, undertaken without her permission. Would I have made very choice she made over the past year? Probably not; but I do not know. No one knows how an experience such as this would change them, transform them, wound them, inspire them, or free them.
It would be so much easier, and I suspect much more entertaining for the others, if I would either trash Kate mercilessly or declare her my feminist hero. Wouldn’t you love some juicy gossip? Here it is: Kate and I have disagreed, often in fiery arguments; but we have also comforted each other through public and private tragedies. I have believed her to be wrong many times; but I have also strongly believed she was right just as often. I cannot count the number of problems I have had with her; but I also cannot measure the impact she has had on my life as a friend and colleague.
So, what do I think of Kate Kelly? I think she is a woman of courage who helped many women—including me—ask for what we want. She is a bold woman who led others through gates and to doors that most of us would never have dared approach. And she is a passionate person who believes in speaking her mind unapologetically. I write this, not because Kate Kelly is not capable of defending herself. (She knows how to get the word out.) I write this because I was asked to. But more than that, I write this because I am tired of the wild binary that exists around her—a binary that none of us would apply to people we know or care about. Kate is a person, with flair and flaws, with passion and problems, and with strengths and shortcomings. Most of all, I think Kate is someone who deserves to be seen, not as a caricature, but as a person. Just like the rest of us.
Debra Jenson-is married with three children. At the age of 12, she came to the LDS Church for girls camp, and stayed for the gospel. She is a professor at Utah State University, a Girl Scout troop leader, and is the current chair of the executive board of Ordain Women. http://ordainwomen.org/project/hi-im-debra/