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I had an epiphany Friday night. A moment of inspiration, if you will. I was in the Complex in SLC at the Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness concert and dear Andrew was playing “The Resolution,” a song from his earlier band Jack’s Mannequin.

The first set of verses and the chorus are particularly appropriate to the revelation that I received:

“There’s a lot that I don’t know

There’s a lot that I’m still learning

When I think I’m letting go

I find my body it’s still burning

And you hold me down

And you got me living in the past

Come on and pick me up

Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

[Chorus:]

Yeah I’m alive

But I don’t need a witness

To know that I’ve survived

I’m not looking for forgiveness

Yeah I just need light

I need light in the dark

As I search for the resolution”

I’ve gone through a fairly brief faith crisis (well, a couple really), but am still, and probably will be for the foreseeable future, in the midst of a faith remodel. Crisis does a disservice to those in real crises of faith, transition suggests more mobility than I feel happening, but remodel has a nice positive connotation, can vary in scale, and may constantly be happening to one degree or another. This song captures that journey for me.

I had been trying to figure out what it is I need from Church and life more generally (due to the fleeting, yet constantly threatening existential crises of being an unmarried Mormon man (?) about to finish college). Particularly since friends (in and out of the Church) wonder why I stay when it seems like all I get is grief. And I think I’ve got it.

The first stanza is how I felt that kept and keeps me here, Mormon, in The Cultural Hall (bad um shh). The learning and knowledge bit, plus the struggle of trying to let things go, but feeling a deep burning that I do belong, a burning that is only satisfied by my continued Mormon-ness (if I say Mormanity, can I get some cash for product placement?).

The second stanza covers the struggles of trying to move forward and change when it feels like no one else wants that to happen. This bit rings less true for me than the rest of it, but I really like the “clear the wreckage from the blast” line.

Now, here’s where it gets good. The chorus is solid all the way around. “Yeah I’m alive/But I don’t need a witness/To know that I’ve survived/I’m not looking for forgiveness” is a beautiful expression of what I feel. Some may need that sense of forgiveness or reconciliation from Church, but I don’t. I feel like I get that in other places, as part of a much more direct and personal communication with God. But the last bit is what I need, “Yeah I just need light/I need light in the dark/As I search for the resolution.” As we all see through a glass darkly, we need some light. I need some light. I don’t need a resolution. I don’t even expect one any time soon. But I do plan on continuing the search. And that search keeps me going to Church, getting what light I can.

Featured Image by Creative Tools

 

 

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