(Image via Oprah.com)
I’ve been hurting the past few days (and not because I ran Ragnar in Las Vegas, well that too, but this is a much deeper, spiritual and emotional hurt). When I first saw rumors of the policy change I thought for sure it couldn’t be real. I was hoping and praying that it was just another rumor.
Alas. It’s true. And it hurts. After what seemed like a general motion to inclusion and love, without compromising the standards of the Church, reading the confirmation of the changes was like a sucker punch to the gut. By your best friend. The one that always talks about the importance of loving your neighbor and mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort. It hurts like hell.
I read some responses, but mostly just ached for my friends and the countless others hit directly by the changes. I waited for the official Church response hoping and praying again for some closure and clarification, some balm of Gilead. I watched Elder Christofferson’s interview and felt empty. It still feels wrong. I’m trying to find the good and see how the children of LGB+ parents and the parents themselves feel the love of God here.
Maybe it’s because I struggle generally to see the dark, impending doom associated with homosexuality. (Disclosure: I fully support marriage equality.) I feel lost. Definitely seeing through a glass darkly. I want to understand. I believe that intentions and motivations are pure. I want to believe that this somehow manifests God’s love for His/Her/Their children. But I don’t understand. And I just can’t believe that this is truly divine. Not yet.
The requirements seem harsh beyond belief. Let’s assume that homosexuality is a grievous sin (an assumption I’m honestly not sure about). Why do the children need to “disavow” same-sex marriages? How does that build family unity? How does that show compassion? Why is that necessary for them and not for me? It’s been clear (relatively) for years that members can support marriage equality without facing disciplinary action, but how is that reconciled with this required disavowal? How is denying these children the gift of the Holy Ghost during their formative, precious years of youth compassionate? Why are we defining same-sex couples by a singular attribute (even one that is considered sinful)? Aren’t they humans, that are much more than their sexuality? If they are willing to let their kids be baptized at 8, why shouldn’t we let that happen? We are ALL sinners. What makes these sinners particularly worrisome to have as parents? Can’t gay Mormons believe in Joseph Smith as the prophet of the Restoration? Have a testimony of the Book of Mormon? Embrace Christ as their Savior? Sustain current leaders as prophets, seers, and revelators? (I can see where people would argue this, but don’t we all pick and choose to some extent?)
I have far more questions than I have answers (but such is my life). The most pressing question for me, right now, is “what would Jesus have me do?” In sacrament meeting today I was struck by the ending of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” which is inspired by this verse of scripture:
“And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” Matthew 25:40
When I stand before Christ and he asks me what I’ve done to others (and therefore him), I want to be able to say that I loved. That I walked “with the people I love through the fear and the mess.” That’s what I can do and what I’ll do as best I can.
I don’t have the answers. But I hope for change. And LOVE.