Growing up in the Church, I always felt like it was assumed and expected that I, or any young woman, wanted to have children. How could it be any other way, right? I was 11 year old when the Family Proclamation was read by the prophet. The Proclamation says, “The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” I spent my teen years listening to Young Women’s lessons about preparing to be a mother.
And yet, I wrote this in my journal when I was about 13:
So let me be completely honest: when I was young, I did not want to have kids. I never felt that maternal pull that motherhood was in my future. It’s not that I didn’t ‘like kids.’ I actually had a very successful babysitting business as a teenager and went on to be a live-in nanny during college. But I never felt a desire to personally be a mother.
I thought I was broken. I could see how I should feel. I had a testimony of the restored gospel and I was doing my best to live it. But when my Young Women’s group sang “When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Mother,” I was appalled that the song listed the number of children a woman would have like a stack of blocks easily stacked up. When people, adults particularly, would ask me how many kids I wanted, I wanted to respond “none.”
I did have a few names picked out though. Boo Bailey. Lincoln (but we’d call him Link, like on Zelda). They weren’t really serious names, but still I guess that was something to credit towards having kids.
My feeling didn’t change as I got older. As a missionary, I couldn’t see myself as a mother. I would try to picture myself as a mom that spends her days cooking, cleaning, and staying home with kids. But I could never catch the vision.
After my mission, when I got married, I still couldn’t envision parenthood. Thankfully, my spouse didn’t fight me on this. We just focused on building our marriage and living the gospel. Also thankfully, I didn’t have a mother or mother-in-law that harassed me about having kids. They were great moms who visited us often and just enjoyed being with us.
It wasn’t easy- people would ask us about having children and I would feel guilty for not having an enthusiastic answer of having children. Many people made assumptive comments or inquiries about if I was currently pregnant, if we were trying to get pregnant, or if I need a recommendation for a fertility specialist. Things got awkward, often. Especially at church.
But I didn’t give in to any social pressure to have kids. I didn’t quit going to church. I focused on my life and how I felt I should live it- which meant law school.
It was when I was in law school that something changed. I can remember the exact moment where I was. It was a very specific and clarifying moment that I cannot forget. I am thankful for that strong memory, because I know I began my family when I was ready and when it was right.
So, to the girl who is sitting in that Young Women’s lesson saying in her mind, “something is wrong with me.” To the sister missionary who says, “I just can’t see myself as a mom.” And to the young wife thinking, “I’m failing because my heart is not telling me to have kids.”
Please, to all of you, don’t quit the gospel. Don’t write yourself off as a broken part in God’s plan of happiness. I think President Nelson was talking about you when he made the statement in conference, “My dear sisters, whatever your calling, whatever your circumstance, we need your impressions, your insights, and your inspiration.”
Give yourself some grace. Look at what you feel you should do with your life- and do it! Perhaps one day, you will be sitting at a stoplight, like I was. You will be listening to a Coldplay song, like I was. And out of nowhere, you will have a piercing moment that hits the core of your heart where you can see yourself as a mother… not as the mother the world or Mormon culture defines for you necessarily.
In that piercing moment I saw myself as an attorney and as a mother. I saw myself involved in my community and as a mother. I saw myself in church callings and as a mother.
What would have become of me had I not persisted in living the Gospel and my life?
What kind of mother would I have been if my husband and I had started our family out of social obligation or by blind, unfeeling obedience?
Perhaps I would have been okay.
But I’m not sure my whole heart would be in it.
I’m not sure I would know that nothing was wrong with me.
That I’m okay. That I’m not broken. But that I am just exactly who I should be.
