Ethan’s a good guy. He’d been attending a massive mid-singles ward sometimes affectionately referred to as the Ward of Misfit Toys for awhile and he liked it. One Sunday, he was looking forward to a righteous Christmas party after church. He needed to fulfill his calling as a shuttle driver right when church ended, and then he could galavant over to the party.
When Ethan joined the ward, the bishop gave him the calling on the safety committee as a shuttle driver. Since the congregation is so large, there isn’t enough parking at the ward itself and some of the hippie-dippie neighbors started complaining that the Mormons were taking up all the parking spots in their neighborhood on Sundays. The bishopric responded by commissioning a parking lot at the Deseret Industries around the corner to accommodate the overflow of the ample fleet. Since it is a few blocks away, and mid-singles perpetually show up late despite the 1:45pm start time, the bishopric also implemented a shuttle system. Church-goers can catch a shuttle in the parking lot of the D.I. and take a plush ride the two blocks to the church in comfort and style. This way, no one has to trudge through the snow or get all sweaty in the sweltering heat. The shuttle also runs in reverse at the conclusion of church services.
Ethan enjoyed his calling as a shuttle driver. He picked up fine young ladies and chatted them up as the soothing sounds of Sabbath-appropriate music emanated from his dash. He met ward members of all shapes, sizes, and personalities from delightful to downright awkward. Yes indeed, it was the perfect calling for Ethan.
When church ended, Ethan did his usual rounds and was about to head over to the party. Just as he was wrapping up and the sun was low in the sky, one more rider emerged for a lift to the D.I. She hopped in the front seat of his Jeep and introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Tammy.”
“Hi Tammy, I’m Ethan,”
“Thanks for the ride. I had to borrow my friend’s truck because I had to sell my car to pay for my lawyer for this housing discrimination suite I filed because I was living in these apartments and…”
“Uh-huh, so you at the D.I. then?”
“Oh yes, so as I was saying…”
As they slowly eased toward the exit of the parking lot they started to pass a sister in a wheel chair.
“Oh, do you think she needs a ride?” Tammy said.
“Uh, maybe. We can ask her I guess.” Ethan rolled down his window, “Hey, do you need a ride?” he called out.
“Sure, I’m like seven blocks north of here,” said the sister.
“Why the heck is she parked that far way?” Ethan thought as he exited the car. Tammy stepped out to assist the sister into the Jeep. Tammy helped her stand (the sister could support herself and walk short distances) and said, “I’m Tammy what’s your name?”
“I’m Melinda,” the sister said.
“How am I gonna get this wheelchair in my Jeep?” Ethan thought as he proceeded to attempt to fold up the wheelchair. Immediately, the wheelchair gave him trouble. It wouldn’t fold up no matter what he did. “C’mon ya piece of junk!” he grunted while trying not to swear too loudly.
“Just pull the levers on the side!” Melinda instructed though the open lift gate. Ethan pulled at the levers and bars on the chair but it was too stubborn to budge. “What is this, the Rubik’s Cube of wheelchairs?” Ethan fumed. Meanwhile, plastic pieces started to fall off the chair as he jerked and cursed at it to fold up enough to fit into the vehicle. “Fold! You son of a… razza-fracka!” The more Ethan struggled, the darker it became.
After about five minutes, Ethan finally got the chair to fold up enough to fit and he jammed it into the back as best he could. He threw the assortment of shed plastic parts in behind it. As he got in the driver’s seat, he was sweaty and flustered. Inside, the girls were already in conversation when Ethan asked, “Which way, Melinda?”
“Turn right.”
“OK.”
Tammy again started telling tales about the various ways in which she’d been discriminated against and why lawyers are needed and how much they cost to retain them. As Ethan turned right, he still didn’t know exactly where to go.
“Where are we going ladies?” Ethan asked.
“…so I’ve been sleeping on my friend’s couch because I gave all my wages to my lawyer…”
“Ladies?”
“I was discriminated against at work too! They didn’t have a ramp and…” Melinda chimed in.
“Melinda? Where are we goin?”
“You should call my lawyer, he’ll help you out…” Tammy said.
“Ladies, I really need to know where we’re going.”
“Oh. It’s right up here,” Melinda said.
Ethan was flabbergasted to discover that Melinda wasn’t even parked a block away. “What was all this talk about seven blocks?” he grumbled to himself. It took him five times as long to load the wheelchair as it did to arrive at her vehicle, even if he’d walked her to her car.
Ethan pulled up next to Melinda’s car so that they could transfer her over without too much trouble. After Melinda was safely in her car, Ethan then proceeded to remove the wheelchair from the rear to put into her car. After loading her chair and they were saying goodbye, Melinda said, “Oh, a piece of my wheelchair is missing. It must have fallen off.”
“Bullcrap,” Ethan thought. He couldn’t believe after all that he’d missed piece falling off. He then searched the interior of his Jeep with no success. “It’s gotta be in her car,” he thought. After looking her car over, Melinda insisted that a piece was still missing.
“I’ll go and check back the church,” Ethan reassured her.
Upon returning to the church, the sun had completely set. After searching half-heartedly for a few minutes in the dark, sure enough, Ethan found the missing piece on the sidewalk. During this time, Melinda had followed them back to the church in her car and Ethan was able to return the piece to her through her window.
“Goodbye, and thank you,” she said.
“I’ll call you about my lawyer!” Tammy yelled.
Ethan checked his watch. Now it was really late. Ethan not only needed to go home and change for the party, but he also needed to pick up his date.
“OK, Tammy let’s get you to your truck,” he said as he herded her back to the Jeep.
As they drove toward the D.I., Tammy recommenced vomiting her problems at Ethan without missing a beat. Nodding all the while, Ethan pulled up next to her truck and gave her the hint to get out with a “Wellp…” Tammy obliviously continued to talk as the clock continued to creep toward party time.
After 10 more minutes of this, Ethan said, “Well, have a good night,” as she finally closed the door behind her. He exhaled loudly in relief and drove back to the church to drop off the magnets that say “SHUTTLE” for the side of the car. He quickly ran inside, dropped the magnets in the clerk’s office and trotted toward the exit. Just as he reached the doors, Ethan thought he might be hallucinating as he saw Tammy entering the building. She had followed him back to the building in her truck.
“Oh no,” he thought, “Why is she back here?”
“Hey, can I use your phone for a second? I left mine at a party the other night,” she asked. Ethan could have sworn she had it out during all that lawyer talk with Melinda. He agreed reluctantly because he knew this would make him who-knows-how-much-more late for the party.
“OK. But be quick, please.”
Tammy then pulled out a napkin with two hand-written numbers on it. “Where did she get that?” Ethan thought. She called the first number. “Hi this Tammy, I think I may have left my phone at that party the other night. Can you give me a call? I’ll be at this number for then next 10 minutes.”
Ethan couldn’t believe his ears, “Oh really? 10 minutes? Is that a fact?” he thought, “Not bloody likely.”
After calling and leaving the same message on the second number, she then started telling Ethan why and how the phone went missing in great detail. As politely and as patiently as he could, Ethan interrupted, “Are you gonna be OK? I really gotta go.” As he snatched his phone from her hand, she gave him a hesitant confirmation. Ethan bolted down the stairs to the exit.
“If they call back, tell them I’ll be at so-and-so’s for the next…”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do that,” Ethan called over his shoulder knowing darn well that they wouldn’t call back and he wouldn’t remember what she said even if they did. He looked at his watch again. His last run had taken over an hour!
As he sped away out of the parking lot, Ethan yelled in pure frustration and pounded his hands on the steering wheel so hard he thought the airbag might deploy. He used to love his calling, but after that night, all bets were off.
“Oh well, I’m gonna go eat some gosh-dang Christmas cookies and drink wassail and have the hap-hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny flippin’ Kaye,” he thought as he barreled through a yellow light, racing toward home.