Ah yes, Conference time again. I remember one year when I actually got to attend the Conference Center. I was blown away by the massive structure and being surrounded by thousands of fellow believers.

I remember the sensation of the lights dimming, settling into my comfy chair (blast of cooling air at my feet), feeling the soft echoes of the choir’s song, and as President Monson took to the podium…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Yeah, I’m one of those guys. More specifically, I’m one of the hundreds of thousands of those ‘guys’ who suffer from the disease, L.D.S. (Latter Day Sleeper).

Now before you condemn or roll your eyes, hear me out. My theories of why I check out when the spirit checks in may apply to a loved one you know. So let me educate you about this sad and debilitating disease.

My first theory for why I suffer from L.D.S. comes from my childhood. Conference Sunday was not only the day to stay home from church (Yes!…I mean, dang it), but it was an opportunity to gorge myself on the joys of morning foodage. Scrambled eggs, sausage, waffles, yogurt, hot chocolate, and the list of scrumptious delights continues as my mom made food to eat while we listened to the Lord.

The problem? Put that much food into a child who’s already comfy in their pj’s and you get a coma. I was conditioned to fall asleep during conference. Like Pavlov’s dogs, my body expects to grow tired every time I hear the words, “Welcome to the blah, blah, blah Annual Conference”.

Not buying it? How about this second theory…

I lead a very hectic life, and I’m not alone in it. America’s work ethic has changed and continues to do so every year. We work more hours and have fewer breaks and vacations. This leads to a dependence on such chemicals as sugar and caffeine. These chemicals are the leading cause of L.D.S..

After a week of long hours, deadlines, and high stress, I suddenly find myself in a state of peaceful contemplation as I attend church, the temple, or conference. Then, to make matters worse, they dim the lights, talk softly, and invite in the comforting blanket we call the spirit. Really? What’s missing…a lullaby? Oh wait, we have that. It’s called MOTAB.

The truth is, regardless of the cause, we who suffer from L.D.S. are in need of help. So what do we do? After years of scientific study and research, the good people at the Foundation for Latter Day Sleepers have come up with several solutions for helping us cope with conference season.

• Caffeine overload: Wrap an 18oz can of RedBull in a brown paper bag and bring it to conference. The benefit, you’ll be awake. The drawback, you’ll be the only guy enthusiastically applauding after every song. Should anyone ask about the bag, claim your an investigator.
• Grab a high tech ‘No Dose’. Created for drivers, the earpiece sounds off an alarm in your ear every time your sleepy head tilts. The benefit, no more obvious head nodding in church. The drawback, the shock of the screech in your ear might result in your scriptures sailing over the balcony railing.
• Have Children: Find a beautiful woman, get to ‘know her’, and have kids. The benefit, you’ll be very awake as you chase those little buggers everywhere, and Sister Jones will get off your back about your lack of procreation. The drawback, well…you have kids.

In addition to these and other remedies, the Foundation for Latter Day Sleepers would like to hear your suggestions. Together we can make more members of the church aware of L.D.S., and find away to fight back and stay awake!

John