I’m a young single adult. I wish there were another title for this condition. One that is only one word, perhaps. Or one that doesn’t make me think of a deer in headlights. But for now, it’s the only term we have to describe this stage of life where you suddenly become aware of the fact that you’ve left one stage of life—the carefree kid stage—and entered the not so carefree stage where you have a mountain of big decisions to make, and where, for the first time, you feel more alone and afraid than you ever thought possible. At least, that’s how it has been for me at times. Not all the time. But sometimes.

I think that’s why there seems to be a sort of desperation in the air in single adult wards—a desperation to find one’s eternal companion, to settle down and raise a family—to get rid of the loneliness.

I’m not at all saying that the desire to get married and have a family always stems from fear or desperation. On the contrary. I think the desire to get married and have a family is God-given and worthy. What isn’t God-given is the ambulance approach to arriving at that goal, flying through stop signs and blowing past everything and everyone in one’s path.

The adage, “You marry whom you date” seems to have gone from just that, an adage used to caution us in our choice of suitors, to a command, or even a battle cry: “Marry whom you date!”

Allow me to take advantage of this opportunity to say…“Or don’t!” Believe it or not, you don’t have to marry whom you date.

In 1976, President Kimball gave a devotional at BYU regarding marriage, and in it, he said, “Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”

This quote has been quoted and re-quoted in church, in marriage classes, and in devotionals more than some scriptures. While I certainly agree with it, I think this has been misused to the detriment of many, many people (some of my personal acquaintances included) in their choices regarding whom they should marry.

There are always several things overlooked in this quote when it’s referenced in conversation. One is the emphasis it places on careful selection through prayer, and the other is the word, “almost.” In other words, this quote is not granting permission to marry the first person that comes along that can be safely labeled as “righteous.”

President Kimball was attempting to do away with the fairy tale notions of “perfect” spouses that are so poisonous in a marriage. After all, if you believe in soul mates, when the going gets tough in your marriage, you can just opt out on the bases that you just weren’t “meant to be.” The point of this passage is to help us to see that our actions, not fate, will make or break our marriages. And yet, in my experience, I have seen how this quote has been twisted and contorted from “can” to “should.” True, they still use the word, “can” in the quote, but the meaning has changed.

“Any two righteous people can get married and be happy,” and “Any two righteous people should get married and be happy,” are two very different messages. The first supports the idea that you have the power to make your marriage what you want it to be, which is true, and which is an important thing to remember when you are married. The second supports a whole lot of bad thinking that can lead (and for some, has already led) to bad outcomes.

One outcome that I have personally witnessed a few times is that someone is so eager to get married that they leave the Spirit out of the decision using the “any two righteous people” expression as an excuse, and a couple years later, when they’re divorced, they say that they never really felt peace about getting married in the first place, but that, at the time, there wasn’t a real tangible reason to not go through with it. After all, they seemed righteous.

Then there’s the other outcome I’ve witnessed, which is when people leave their hearts out of the decision. They just pick someone and date him or her, and get married because it makes sense. I guess it’s not much different from an arranged marriage. And those have been proved to be quite stable. But where’s the romance in a marriage that could have been with just anyone, so long as he or she has a temple recommend?

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want to marry my man because there isn’t another one of him in this whole wide world, not because there’s not a good reason not to—like a business transaction. Yes, any two righteous people can be happy together eventually. But that doesn’t mean you should choose good (or in some cases, not even) when you can choose better.

Now I must throw out a disclaimer lest I offend anyone. I am not saying that all divorces stem from this application of President Kimball’s advice. The reasons for divorce are as varied and complicated as the people on this planet. I am not judging. All I’m saying is that I personally believe that God cares who we marry. After all, it’s something that will affect generations to come. And I believe that when you fall in love, and it’s right, the Spirit will tell you. (That doesn’t mean that you won’t someday get divorced, but you can have the peace of mind to know that you followed the Spirit regardless of the outcome).

And then, when you’re married, if you have forgotten how much you loved that person when you said “I do,” then you can recall those words of wisdom from President Kimball, and you can work to achieve that happiness you once had, or that you desire. But don’t just marry whomever you date. Date the right kind of people, for sure. But just because he or she is righteous doesn’t mean it’s right.