We are all taught that it is a sin to have sex before you are married because of the obvious issues it can create. But what happens if you do and you find yourself pregnant and a Mormon? This is something that I was faced with and have struggled with how girls are treated that also face this hardship.
When I found myself in this situation I was scared, terrified, ashamed, and felt like I let everyone down. My family was active but I was inactive at the time, my extended family held a stake president, a mission president, and temple marriages. What on earth would they think of me? How would they treat me and my child?
Once my daughter was born I went back to work and purposely worked on Sunday’s. Therefore, my mom had to take my child to church with her every week. When this happened to another girl in the ward, her mother told my mom that it was her example of unconditional love, nurturing, and acceptance that made people in the ward think twice about how the stigma of having a child out of wedlock affects a family.
However, there is also the other experience some go through. Growing up there was a girl in my ward who got pregnant in high school. She was the last person you would have thought that this would happen to. Her family decided to home school her, hide her away from the world and what had happened to her, and she gave her child up for adoption. To this day, the family doesn’t talk about it, address it or acknowledge that it happened and that is heartbreaking to me.
Things happen. Sometimes they aren’t the way you envision them for you, your kids or your family, but it’s your reaction to the situation that can make or break everything.
When I chose to go back to church after being inactive for over a decade and repenting for things that I had done, I still to this day cannot repent for breaking the law of chastity. To me that would mean that I am sorry for what I had done and the result of that sin, and that is not something that I will ever do. I have never looked at my child and thought of her as a mistake. She, just like everyone else, is a child of a loving, forgiving Heavenly Father.
I am not asking for the church to change its views completely on this issue, I would like to see the stigma removed and maybe it has to a certain degree, I’m not sure. Accepting your loved ones for their faults or the decisions/ choices they make doesn’t mean you condone or agree with the path they have chosen to follow, it means that you accept them for being human and loving them unconditionally.
~Guest Blogger Jen
You can still repent of the mistake of sex without marriage without thinking that the child that came from that is tainted. We have the same situation in our family, including having a child adopted, having children without marriage, and several adopted grandchildren. Children are a blessing, and because we love them (especially Heavenly Father!) we make the best of all situations, and love and love. The blessings of a child reared by a mom and a dad who love them will trump any other situation. Do many of us survive and thrive without that start in life? Of course, but we still would prefer them to have all the blessings that would come with a secure family. Is that a guarantee of future happiness? Again, no. We just keep loving and not judging. Bless you for a thoughtful sharing of your experience.
It’s so hard to respond to this post in writing because I feel it would be better as a conversation. The fact is, I relate to this post because I was in a similar situation. Although I married the father of my first child, I know that the members of my ward and stake certainly knew I did not get married in the temple, and that our 8 pound baby was born only five months after our wedding. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that I had broken the law of chastity. My husband and I were inactive for many years after we were married because I felt that there was a stigma attached to me…and OF COURSE there was! You can’t expect there not to be when we have all grown up being taught the law of chastity every Sunday. However, I also eventually realized that it didn’t matter. The ONLY thing that mattered was my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I knew I needed to make things right with him. I never thought of my son as anything more than a miracle and a blessing, and just because he wasn’t planned didn’t make him of any less worth in the eyes of Heavenly Father. I realized that the best thing I could do for my son was to repent of my past mistakes, and show him the warm, healing powers of the Atonement, and how to use them. Just because something beautiful came out of my mistake doesn’t mean that I didn’t commit a sin that I needed to fix. People will always judge you. It’s a fact of life. You can’t control that. However, you can control how you react to judgments. Being defensive has never changed anyone’s mind. Taking the opportunity to share how you have been blessed by overcoming hardships in your life, including those brought on by not keeping the commandments are usually where the judgments stop and the learning and understanding of one another begins. The church is not for perfect people, and I am so grateful that we have such a loving Heavenly Father that provided a way for us to overcome our sins. Best of luck to you, Jen!
The child is a perfect blessing. The sin is a sin. Love the child, but repent for the broken commandment. The child has little to do with the act, after the fact. It’s like saying the means justify the end. Not so, I’d say.
As the Scriptures say, “He maketh all things work together for our good”. This applies to many things. I am the product of rape. Yet I am thankful for my wonderful life. Best wishes to you.
I echo what others have said. I agree with your thoughts on the way we should treat people in your situation. However, your child’s existence has nothing to do with the law of chastity. Your child is the result of a biological reproductive process, not from engaging in acts protected by the law of chastity. There’s plenty of people out there who break the law of chastity who don’t have kids, and in modern times there are other ways to make a baby than intercourse.
Repenting of the sin of fornication isn’t saying “I should have never had a baby.” It’s admitting an act was commited at the wrong time and doing one’s best to refocus one’s life to be in line with gospel teachings. Sure, it involves talking to a church authority, which having been there-done that, I agree it’s a tough thing to do. However, I can attest that the lightness that can come from unburdening oneself is one of the greatest feelings.
There is no ‘law of chastity’. It does not exist. The best and brightest in biblical scholars know this to be absolute truth. Any person or church telling you otherwise is mis-reading the bible, or simply just doesn’t understand how to interpret the bible.
You committed no sin. You gave birth. That is a blessing above all in the eyes of God. You have done your darndest to raise your child. You are a saint in my eyes.
Do not feel you must ever apologize for giving the gift of live to another.
The Law of Chastity is a tenet of our religion that states we will have no sexual relations with anyone with whom we are not legally and lawfully wed. The Old Testament version is the Seventh Commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” The “Higher Law” that Christ established during his ministry on Earth was that any man who lusted after a woman has commited adultery in his heart (Matt 5:27-28). It is from these Bible teachings that our church defines its sexual code of conduct as “The Law of Chastity”. It governs the way we treat our bodies with respect to our sexuality as men and women.
The child is a consequence of the action, not a punishment for sin. If anything the child is proof that no matter what we’ve done, God loves us and stands ready to bless us.
Now were going to have a talk at conference about repentance “again.” No wonder they keep repeating the same talk. Thanks
Take your thoughts to God and make peace with him. You don’t need validation or condemnation from the rest of us fellow sinners.