I’ve chosen to write this blog anonymously so that I can be real with my readers. I’m more than somewhat apprehensive to publicly share my story fearing that doing so may complicate my readmission to the church. I think a main part of the reason that I lost my membership was because people in general knew too much. My ex-wife hacked my gmail account and shared love letters, written to my current wife, with the Stake President. My future mother in-law penned some scathing emails, calling me a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and blasted those out to a half dozen recipients across the stake as well. I think had I been judged by my own personal choices and transgressions perhaps the outcome may have been different. Perhaps I’d still be Mormon.

I was pretty reckless and rowdy as a teenager, but my parents have always been active members. The family culture I was brought up in was entirely encompassed by gospel principles. I am no stranger to the Bishop’s office especially when I was younger. I got to know a few Bishops quite well. Repentance is without a doubt the greatest gift God has ever granted man. But the hard thing is, what do you do when you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong?

I remember times that I had been busted as a teenager for doing something stupid. Waiting for that metaphorical hammer to drop was honestly punishment enough. I remember being a kid and having a group of peers say “you can’t hang out with us.” Is there really anything worse? The sting is real and the sting is bitter.

After I got the letter notifying me of the disciplinary council from the Executive Secretary (whose family I had home taught for a couple of years) I had to cope with the anxiety of inevitable punishment for a few weeks. By the time I actually drove to my meeting with the High Council I think I had thoroughly convinced myself that it was going to be ok. When I faced other less serious consequences in the past it had always been ok. But this time, it wasn’t.

The Church, meaning the active membership collectively, has a very difficult task of helping a new member to achieve a “cultural conversion.” It seems that the majority of recent converts fail to integrate soon after baptism because they fail to overcome this obstacle. One church lesson says “every new convert needs 3 things: a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing by the good word…” As hard as it is to obtain that genuine friend, I can tell you that it is much harder feeling like your friends don’t want to be friends anymore.

A couple of weeks after I was excommunicated I received a call from my Bishop. The Bishop in my ward was actually my best friend. He pulled me aside one Sunday soon after he was called to be the Bishop and informed me that he really wanted me to be one of his counselors (I was serving in the Elders Quorum presidency at the time) but that it just wasn’t the right time. During this more recent call he informed me that the Stake President had asked him to request that I and my family not attend our home ward any more. He said that the Stake President wanted us to attend a neighboring ward on the opposite side of town…”every new convert…needs a friend.” And you really start to think that God doesn’t even want you at church anymore.

~Not Quite Enos

Next week: How it feels to be both active and excommunitcated.