What I Learned from Being A Mormon Slut

I was 19 when I had my first kiss. I’d been obsessed with boys and romance my whole life. I finally had my first kiss. It was with this “bad boy” I’d been talking to and it was fun and overwhelming and went way farther than it should have. Unfortunately after that, the guy ghosted on me which was really difficult since I genuinely felt a connection with him.

The other issue was that I finally made out with someone and found that it was as great as I had dreamed. It this left me wanting more. I only just had a taste and I couldn’t just go without again could I?

I didn’t.

I went from never been kissed saint to loose-lipped slut over the course of the next year and a half. That year and a half was one of the craziest of my life and left me with stories, scars, and lessons. In the 2009 April General Conference, Elder M. Russell Ballard gave the talk “Learning the Lessons of the Past” saying that it’s important for us to learn from the mistakes of others – so that’s what I’m doing here. I’ve made these mistakes and I’m giving the lessons I’ve learned from them so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

Lesson 1 – Physicality is addictive

Some people have heroin, some people have porn, I hooked up with guys.

In the beginning, I felt like I was living in a movie. Or at least a Ke$ha song. Guys were always “blowing up” my phone, I went to parties where I was the only one sober. My whole life I’d been the “good girl”. I grew up in Orem, Utah. I’d never even seen alcohol outside of the grocery store until I was 18 years old. I graduated from seminary, attended EFY, and was going to the “Lord’s University”. I’d always been the strong one. I’d lived so pure my whole life but had always been curious about the other side. It was like David and Bathsheba. Instead of watching a chick bathing on her roof, it was making out with dudes. It was different and exciting.

As time went on, it started to feel more like a drug. I became completely dependent on it. It’d become part of my identity. If I wasn’t making out with a guy at least once a week, I’d feel more and more depressed. I would go farther and farther causing me to feel more and more depressed and guilty, making me feel like I needed to hook up with another guy to help feel better, causing more guilt – lather, rinse, repeat. It’s what I like to call “the slut cycle”.

As the saying goes – bad decisions make for good stories, and believe me, I have quite a few. What they don’t tell you about is all the darkness and pain behind those crazy stories.

Lesson 2 – Mistakes don’t just affect part of your life

During this time in my life, it wasn’t just me who suffered. While living away from home, my relationship with my roommates suffered. I was almost always gone with a guy, or I was too depressed to do anything other than lay around the apartment listening to emo music.

My health suffered – I started gaining weight. I cared less and less what others did with my body. Naturally I stopped caring what I did with it myself.

My relationship with my family suffered. My parents had a rough idea of what was going on. But had no idea to the extent. During the summers I lived at home and we fought a lot. My parents would reach out and try to talk to me and protect me and I would push them away and tell them to leave me alone. I caused my family a lot of worry which still makes me feel guilty.

Lesson 3 – It’s easier to break the rules again

I went into this whole thing with semi-good intentions. At least I thought I did. I truly believed that I could keep things PG. Every time I crossed a line I felt terrible and swear I’d never go that far again.

Spoilers: I almost always did

Every single time I’d meet up with a guy with the line set up in my mind. We’d get closer and closer to the line but I’d keep telling myself we weren’t QUITE there yet until we were basically on top of the line and I’d just give in. Every. Single. Time.

Lesson 4 – It damages your views on being intimate

Being married is great. Having sex while married is amazing – it’s sharing something special with the person you care for the most. It’s intimate and is vital to a healthy marriage. Hooking up with a random isn’t sharing an intimate moment – it’s a business transaction. Your partner agrees to help you feel good and in exchange you do the same for them. The focus is selfish and on what that person can do for you instead of the couple working together to give to each other. Once exposed, it’s difficult to break out of this mentality.

Emotions are meant to be part of being physical. I had to try to learn how to turn that off while going through the slut cycle in an attempt to save myself some of the heartache I was putting myself through. Once I broke free, I had to learn how to break out of that and allow emotions back into being physical.

Lesson 5 – Actions speak louder than words

Good girls love bad guys – especially bad guys who say they’re trying to become good guys. Mormons are often considered judgemental, and I didn’t want to be a regular Mormon, I wanted to be a “cool Mormon”. When I’d meet a guy with a dark past saying he was trying to change I’d let my guard down and believe him. So what if he didn’t have a job, had a criminal record, or had a history with drugs – he said he was trying to change so it’d be wrong for me to hold anything in his past against him right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

Let me be clear – I’m not saying people are not capable of change or that we shouldn’t think someone who’s made mistakes will forever be doomed to keep making those mistakes. I’m just saying don’t believe that someone is changing just because they say they are.

Mini lesson within this lesson – bad guys will do or say almost anything if it means they could get some action. The best way to tell if someone really wants to change is to wait and see if their actions match their words – and don’t hook up with them in the meantime.

Lesson 6 – The Atonement of Christ is very real.

I went through several relapses in trying to escape the slut cycle. Two years and three bishops later, I finally pulled myself out of the cycle. It was very difficult coming back and throwing myself into the gospel since I was living with one foot out and the foot that was in was getting on the way out. I finally just threw myself into the council of my bishop. I read excerpts from “The Miracle of Forgiveness” (yes, it’s harsh, but it’s absolutely helpful) and made sure to attend church regularly. I started going to the temple weekly once I was able to hold a temple recommend again. One day in the temple I got the impression saying, “you’re okay”. I finally felt like I was back to where I was supposed to be. And that was the best feeling in the world.

And it wasn’t just my relationship with the gospel that changed. My relationship with my family got better and I started making new friends in my singles ward. It was terrifying to change something that had been such a big part of my life, but it was worth it.

Lesson 7 – God forgets sins but we don’t

I’ve been six years sober from the slut cycle. I married an amazing man in the Salt Lake Temple and we live happily together with our 2 dogs. I have a very good life. Even still, sometimes the demons of my past randomly haunt me. I believe that some of those wounds might not completely heal – there will always be things that will bring back painful memories and I’ll have to continue to learn how to work through that. Unfortunately there’s no switch we can flip to make things go away even after we changed our life. Unless I’m wrong, in which case please send me the information on this switch because I’d really like to be able to do that.