(This article is a response to a previous article on The Cultural Hall Blog, click here to read, “What I learned from being a Mormon Slut.”)
My name is Kristin Hodson. I share space with you as a woman, a wife and someone who has a sexual story. I’m also a sex therapist and couldn’t help but take notice of your most recent article where you called yourself a “slut.” I felt empathy and heartbreak.
Growing up as a Mormon, there was a lot I learned about sexuality. I learned that we dont’t talk about being sexual beings outside of marriage, or that sex is a normal, healthy and God given thing. I learned to not do anything before marriage that would arouse my body. I learned that once I got married it was supposed to be wonderful. I learned that touching myself was bad, and that being chaste and virtuous was valued and gave me my worth. I learned that I needed to be careful or sexuality could spiral out of control.
I didn’t learn the amazing capacity of my body and how, when I chose chastity, for me, it could be a gift. I didn’t learn that my status of “virgin” or “not virgin” didn’t have anything to do with my worth or value. I didn’t learn how my body worked and all of it’s God given wonderfulness. I didn’t learn that feeling connection and desire and sexual chemistry was normal, and I certainly didn’t learn how I would like to develop sexually in a way that empowered me. In fact, I didn’t learn about sexual health at all.
After hearing other stories of many women and men, I learned that many received different lessons from what I understood as a youth. I’m wondering, what lessons did you learn about sexuality?
I empathize with your story, not because I agree with you that you were in fact a “slut,” but that there is very little language given to us to talk about the complexities of our sexual experiences. We’ve been taught that sex is scary. We’ve been taught that it will overtake and you and consume you. We’ve been taught that despite having the atonement we need aim for perfection.
For many of us, the only ways we have learned to think and feel about our sexual experiences is good or bad and our language reflects that. I think about that 19 year old developing woman in you who had an experience that woke up something in her. Something that sounds like it was both exciting and new as well as scary and confusing, not to mention really hurtful. My experience in talking to so many people about their sexual stories is that rarely is a sexual experience is only good or bad, but both ends of the spectrum and everything in-between. I wonder what would have happened had you had the space to understand what that first kiss was for you–beyond good or bad? I wonder if you had the opportunity to talk about pleasure and how it relates to your amazing sexual capacity of which you caught a glimpse. I wonder if you had the opportunity to understand how it also scared you and you didn’t’ know what to do with that experience of which you wanted more.
I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t taught about concepts such as pleasure or arousal. I wasn’t taught how to ask about my developing body. I certainly didn’t know how to talk about sexuality. I want to show you in context, that as a 19 year old woman it’s completely normal that your body and heart responded in the ways they did. Of course they did. That’s what bodies do and that’s how God made us. Yet the options we often have as girls and women is, “I’m either a good girl or a bad girl,” or in your words, “a slut.” And boys the same, “I’m either a good boy or a bad boy. I’m wondering, “could you have still been a great and wonderful girl AND had a new experience with little to no skills or modeling of how to make sense of what happened?” What about having no one to meaningfully share how you were hurt by this guy who ghosted you after sharing this intimate experience? I don’t know about you, but I would have been deeply hurt by that experience. And if I was already doubting myself or had any issues with self-esteem or self worth, that experience would have only amplified those internal struggles like a lit match to a dry field. If that was a part of your experience, It could make sense that you would then seek out the experiences that you did.
I wanted to respond to your article, not just for you, but for all of the Mormon women out there who label themselves as “a slut.” I want to offer the invitation to be curious about your sexual story, to treat it like a good friend and get to know it instead of reject that part of your life. When our stories are wrapped in shame, we want to hide from it, label it, judge it, push it away. When we can start to peel away the shame and tolerate our own discomfort, then we can get to know ourselves in a new way. We can look all of the parts of our story. We can start to look at the pleasure and the pain, desire and disgust, feeling alive and feeling used, feeling good and feeling so bad.
Your story can be a beautiful part of your self-discovery instead of it being the black mark you think back that you should’ve and could’ve avoided. Your story sounds rich and vibrant. Your story sounds like it’s worth being told and not judged. I believe every woman deserves to share her story and all of it’s complexities. I think your story is the story of so many young women and young men who still may carry guilt and shame around from their early sexual experiences. I believe you deserve the opportunity to share your story without having to label yourself as “a slut” to own it.
With every story we have to start where we are to tell it. So I’m going to respond piece by piece to the story you shared in a series. We’ll talk about what it means to self label as a slut and how shame ties in–the sexual messaging we got around sexuality, sex education, the idea of being a sex addict, and more. Thank you for sharing your story.
Can you relate to Stephanie’s story? Would you like to share yours? Or do you simply have a question for Kristin? Email kristin@thehealinggroup.com
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Kristin Hodson is Co-Founder of the soon-to-launch website Sex Made Simple, is Founder and Executive Director of The Healing Group mental health clinic in Salt Lake City and Co-Author of the book Real Intimacy: A Couples Guide for Genuine, Healthy Sexuality (Cedar Fort 2011). She has spent over three years exclusively studying human sexuality learning from the best across the country. One of her favorite things to do is bridge things that don’t seemingly go together like sex and religion. She has a unique ability to break down the topics of sexuality into easily digestible pieces empowering people to further develop their sexual identity, hone their sexual values, improve their communication around sexuality all with the intention to improve people’s relationships with themselves and others. She’s approachable, relatable and has a light sense of humor around something that often feels intimidating or heavy. She has been an expert speaker at national trainings led by Sex Therapists Dr. Gina Ogden and Tammy Nelson, has contributed to Sheknows.com, Women’s Day Magazine, The Deseret News, was a regular guest on the x96 on the Radio From Hell show taking live calls on sex and intimacy and has regularly appeared on KSL’s Studio 5, on KUTV 2 news.